will I give in finally? I don't think so. I keep on hanging on this little string, till I get up to safety again - I won't fall. I may sink down again a bit, but I won't let go, I won't back down, my will will keep me up..it won't let me down..

learning to embrace everything is hard task to do.. but I'm willing to learn. never forget the word, will - it can do magic at times. it is a word worth remembering. it kinda gives you meaning, so strong is its magic. the feeling comes back when there comes will again- to this rational way of thinking in darkness... and hope is his loyal companion, which his secret name could be love if you'd like.

when there are these times...where you are on the verge of giving in to this black box...that's pushing you in..like a black hole with its immense power...and these nasty tricks it does on you, with covering your view with a black blanket, to make you forget...to don't let you remember one thing- which could be fatal to his plan- that keeps you going around the hole.. try to still remember, even if the pain is so unbearable and you can't see anything anymore..even not anything worth-
remember the will..the confidence it has.. to live on. just try to remember the feeling. will with its magic it could preform. on people. on events. on history. on humanity. on everything. just this firm decision. like it holds onto something. and I will tell you a secret.. it holds light. just light. and light is pure feeling. a feeling you can't describe only feel. and there's nothing skeptical about it- you will feel it, understand it. and, it's just flawless. I think that's something worth experiencing.
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still didn't get my answers.. BUT I'm not giving in to this negativity. off to another journey..to another try. always try again. then you'll come to where you wanted to go. I'll get my answers. I guess patience is a wonderful friend to have.. never was one of mine but could be right?
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I think I know now. I totally suppressed my part. my part in art. that not only others will play a role there - me too. I do it not only for the others, I do it for me too. I think I know it now, the secret. wow, and this took me sooo long to figure out...

take good care of yourself, you take good care of others.
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finished. now there's a lot more space in here. but I wonder if it will be enough for the new to come?
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Heute werde ich mit allem was noch offen scheint, abschließen.. ja, ich möchte nicht länger ein kleines lamm sein, das mager und magerer wird, nur auf Grund seiner alter wunden und Gedanken, die sie aufzufressen scheinen. nein, nicht länger mach ich das mit. ich werde mich überkommen. ich werde nun aufräumen in mir, die Sachen verstauen und ruhen lassen. es wird zeit, das haus zu erneuern. es stürzt schon ein..

man kann nicht immer neues schöpfen aus dem Brunnen, irgendwann kommt nichts mehr nach..man muss ihn pflegen und ihm etwas zurückgeben. nur dann kann wieder etwas neues kommen.
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wail, wail through me - as I cannot. sigh.
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