yea.so.one.of.the.worsedays.of my life. for over 10 yrs, i have been trying to do all i cant to make this house a little more bareable to live in. but i seriously cant do it anymore. like why do you have to make everything such a big deal ? you think we owe you for your support. but no that is not correct. to support us is humane, morals, your job, your responsibility. that is the leave you can do. but as a parent, a mentor, an inspiration, an educator, a caregiver, a mother, you have failed. as i was a child i had to take care of myself. broken promises i will always wake up with you leaving me. you began to leave me with bigger and angrier monsters. waiting and praying for you to come home soon to save me. that is how i learned how to read time. but you would never be ontime. even when you were back, the nightmare was over and shut. now im older, and this is how you treat me? i do things for myself and you beat me for it. you chase my down the street. barefeet. not realized what a fool you have made of youself. seeing you cry is not my weakness. i do not have a weakness for you anymore. if you are an adult, you need to be one. and let me be one. that slap on the face just fuelled me more. i have no love for you or for this god damn place. i quit.
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there comes a time in the middle of the night. i rethink alot of things. i reflect on what i did that day, what ive said, who ive seen, what will i do tommorrow and so forth. and it's usually at the end of the day, that i feel like i wanna be alone. and in daytime, i wanna be surrounded with people so im too busy to stop myself from jumping off a bridge. but obviously, what i want will never be what i get. i get the total opposite, im all alone in the morning and then when it gets to the time where i reflect on my day, i cant get the peace of the people surrounding me to do so. yet i still reflect daily, and i live a sad life. i dont do much, i dont cause much, i try to stay out of alot of things. how does one feel like so much is happening when one is trying to get out of every bad situation possible. it's like it follows me where it's unwanted. sometimes i ask myself what's the point in doing what im doing right now. is the reason still the same reason. i dunno i doubt myself alot but im also influenced alot too. maybe i just need to keep motivated somehow. i dunno what happens to me throughout the day, but usually it doesnt end up too well. sometimes it also feels like the only way i can make everyone happy is to be miserable myself. i dont do anything right apparently. how i breathe, how i sit, how i talk, how i walk, how i eat, how i look at things, how i clean myself, how i communicate, how i smile, it's all wrong. this comes very interestingly to me, because i never knew there was a right way to do all these. if everything i do is wrong, then this life must be wrong for me. gimme another. the world is a big place, with alot of people in it. and everyone is very different in their own way. why are they allowed to be different and happy, and not i ? no many how many times i say it, it will still be true. i cant wait to get out of here and take back my own life. be in control of it. even if it is ruined, and iam tirelessly working hard every minute of it, i know what iam doing will be for my own good. im working for myself, and what i want. not just to fulfill someone else's ideals. i dont understand how someone cannot understand such simple illustrations such as this. i do not have a difficult soul to read, i am not impossible to impress. what i say is never a big circle, it is only straight and forward and it never returns back. even if so, it'll be followed by a genuine apology. at the end of the day, i understand everyone wants what's good for me. but they hv to understand and think throughroughly before they determine what is. do i really want your help? do i really care? is this really the way i will accept it? and when i act out, is it really a suprise? when anyone acts out, is it really? i dont do things for no reason. i dont know how many times i would need to emphasize that. if i dont hv a reason, i would not budge. because it is meaningless to me. i need motivation, i need goals, i need control. life is a little confusing.
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listen to your people. listening to their loud messages, what are they trying to tell you? you hold these gigantic meetings to talk about how to solve problems, but dont you see that the answer is right in front of you. you dont ask about what the people want. the people you work for. the people who gave you this position. pay your respects, at least. and not hurt them. if you look and listen carefully, they were NOT trying to hurt anybody. but to truly make a statement for you to see. obviously, people wouldnt come to such measures to gather your attention. yes, there were some a little offside, however it is your job to ''serve and protect". who are you serving? who are you protecting? please review these questions in your head before you act. innocent people were also affected during this time. people who were just in the streets in the wrong time, people wearing the wrong clothes within the wrong crowd. hurt and then detained. hypocrisy of the system. you cant blame them for their actions, we have rights, as you had the right to choose your passion and job. the city is now darkened, no matter how much you board up the windows, and repaint the walls, we will remember the damage that has been done. we wont forget the ignorance of our leader. i myself lost today, lost faith in the city of toronto. i hope those brave voices who were hurt will regain their strength once again to stand up and come forward peacefully once again. they might not understand your means, but it will follow through.
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have you ever put so much effort into something, so hard and so long that your life was on the line? and in the end, and then realizing you failed it. dissappointment. have you ever had to listen to two people argue about something so useless, and meaningless you want to scream at them? but you cant cause you are in no position to say anything? frustrated. have you ever wanted to speak up about something but never could, just to avoid the conflict and the aftermath of it? ignorance. have you ever wanted to yell so loud for no reason? hoping that no one will hear you and tell you to shut up, but if they do, you have the right to punch them in the face. anger. have you ever tried to get someone's attention even then they are right in front of you? then to realize, that you'll never be the centre of their eye. jealousy. have you ever felt so lonely that even when you're with your best buddies, in a room full of people, at a party, you still keep an eye at the door cause you're waiting for someone to walk through the door? lonliness. have you ever felt so useless that there is no more meaning to any action you do? just a daily consumer, a waste of space and time. agonizing. have you ever felt so confused that everything wrong seems to be right? you dont care how people feel cause whatever you think is right, and that's what matters. puzzled. have you ever wanted to cry really hard for no apparent reason? but you decide not to because you realize it's a stupid reason. breathe. i have. daily.
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KILL ME, KILL ME LATER, NONE THE LESS, I'LL BE DEAD.
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i come home and i ask myself ... WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I DOING!?! im living in a hell hole. since my parents have left for their trip. i feel this sense of need to improve. on everything. for some odd reason, i dont feel like being in my room anymore. the night my parents left, i have left my bedroom, and i basically moved to the kitchen. because i wanna be closer to the fridge? no, i still barely eat outta there cause there's no food in there. the tv? no there's nothing on tv. the space? not exactly because i still consume only the smallest portion at the dinner table. but i look around me, and i just feel like there needs to be improvement. this house can do so much better. a big clean up. and no, im not going to be the one to do it. because it's not something that one person can do. no, it' snot that easy. there is just so much waste all around me. nothing is necessary. the people and the things. there's just too much stuff. now that i've been left alone for a few days, i still feel so congested. all this crap around me. i look around everywhere and i just wanna smash it into smithereens!! maybe im ready for a new life. i guess my own life? cuz nth here belongs to me. been here more over 10 yrs, and it still seems like a stranger to me. im so confused. and all these plans in my life, is it even plausible? i planned them because i want them... but how am i supposed to make it happen? oh man.. im so retarded, is how i feel right now. someone give me a box. and i'll stay in there forever. and i'll be happy. stop telephonin' me eh eh eh eh eh eh eh !
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im just mad at myself, for not keeping to my promise. i didnt want to do this to you. especially not so quickly once again. am i the most horrible person in the world? yes. i admit it. time and time again i open my big fat mouth and i just say the wrong things at the wrong times. maybe you're right, no one should ever listen to me. dont take me serious, or else you'll be damned. who knows what will happen with my words next. no im not trying to sound powering or anything, but it's just nothing ever goes right. does this compensate for the things that i should be saying out loud? instead of saying the things i shoud, i blockade them with things i shouldnt and i take the consequences into my own hands. i swore on it. i swore on everything that i believed it. i believe in tunes, and right now, i absolutely detest the song piercing into my drums. i can only pick out things i dont wanna hear. she sings ''she will love you more than i could, she who dares to stand where i stood". good job. so much for being better than the next, when you're the monster. no. dont cry, (words of encouragement). because you've been through worse, but this just hurts the most. no longer can i look into your big brown eyes, sleek black hair without feeling like a giant disappointment. i swore on everything i believe in. everything is gone, but i cant possibly let the one last thing i belive in go.
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every year, around this time, it is a time for celebration in my world. a celebration for the forthcoming of a new year, a new harvest, new beginnings. however, every year, new also means put on your sneakers and just run for your lives. i do not choose for the world to be this way, i do not want the days to go by like this. as the rest of the world around me celebrates in joy. the people around me suffer. every year i apologize. and i am not forgiven for what i've caused. but it's out of my control to bring them down so hard when it should be the highlight of their lives. every year, around this time, i become a stone on a pathway. i become small and blend in the crowd. one motion and it will break the sequence. i dont make sudden movments, noises, actions, thoughts. i do not want anything to happen, so i stand still. it's been a week. and i hvnt apologized. im sorry. hopefully next yr will be a brand new beginning.
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just a thought in the shower. that i think everyone in the world is in denial about something. unable to face the truth. the real truth. they create this barrier around themselves to block and repel what they don't wanna know and face. slowly they became barricaded in this shadow, and get comfortable. and as they familarize with these false truths, they start to self destruct. all the time, every time, they try to find excuses and lies to tell their little voices inside that the prior idea that they had before was right. they wont let anything else in. because everyone's mind is a little world of their own within the universe. and humans like to control. their mind, and ideas, and decisions is the only thing that an individual can grasp. that is the only thing, because to tell you the truth, whether you like it or not, the world doesnt revolve around you, you just live in it. everything changes around you. to some people, i might be disturbing your mindsets, but i am too allowed to speak my mind. that is my decision. everyone is in some sort of denial. and the opposite to that is not to accepting the truth, or fact or anything. because what is the truth? who knows what the truth really is? who determines that? so the answer is to have hope. hope will never label a sentence as right or wrong. hope will give you the freedom of thinking of that you want to, and provide an imaginary safety net that the statement may not prevail. there. done. i just had these thoughts randomly sitting here.
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this is my world. i can do whatever i want in it. let whoever i want into it. but that's not all there is. i look below my feet and there is another world. another dimension that contains nothing i desire for. in my world, i can control everything that goes on there. every breeze and how long it lasts is in my hands. iam not trying to be this god of this place. but only to be free and in control of my own actions and movement. i want to be the god of myself. im currently living in your world. abandoning this place will leave you no reason for survival. because iam apart of what you control. if one day, you realize, that iam not within your empowerment anymore, this world of yours will disfunction, and break down. we're interconnected on dependency. however, your world will die and salvage. and that's when a whole new world begins.
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they want you to be something you're not. something you were never meant to be. something you were never cut out to become. they do not want good, they want greatness. they salvage on perfection. all because your success will become their claim. thieves steal your treasure. vultures on your back. blood suckers at most. imagine if i was you. the things i would tell to your face too. take it. and leave it. im just gonna be me.
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i cant go one day. just one day! without wanting to punch you in the face. fuck guy, open your eyes and see who you're dealing with now. look around you and observe how the world works. times have changed, so if you evolve with it, no one can help you anymore. consider this an extreme warning like how ive always warned you. shut up! and leave me alone!
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when they are finally put six feet under, it projects something that was never put under covers. the mind screens experiences of the deadly soul. here comes the chill of the cold. poking their head out of the dirt, taking their glasses out of their shirt. watching their little heirs runnin', playing and gunnin'. these visuals are copied. they take in whatever you feed. for you to nurture, with nature. reliquish what is taboo, and speak out what is the truth. look up, and ask where the all the stars go? look down, and find the solution in an echo. ''oh father, i thirst for more." [how they will turn out to be, we will never know. but as their guardian, and sole protector, we have a responsibility to teach them the best we can and trust that they will make moral decisions. instead we confuse them with love and hate. we tell them to love is to possess. and to hate is to destroy. we have become confused ourselves because mistakes have been made to and fro. i recommend everyone to take a look back when they leave the world. and decide if they are satisfied with how they left the world to be.]
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when you have something you want to say, but you can't tell anyone or anything. let someone else do it for you. put on 20 pounds of clothes. put on your headphones. close the door. pretend you're the biggest star in the galaxy. and just explode in your own stardom. pulling off layers as you go. burst off the weight. and let the energy transform into the words you wanna scream. be it loud. be it whispers. much too many are not said. just take it off. bare to care, the skin you're showing. the cells on your face will tell each story. create this energy and burn the carpet. do it until it hurts and you're on your knees. beggin for mercy. but you just cant stop, until the songs over. you'll find it in between each drum beats and strum. pause for dramatic effect and... let it all go again. [2 drinks and a whole shit load of great music blasting in your ears will get to you this point, where i stand alone]
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drug addiction. submerged since i was fourteen. unable to tell. black and white. truth or lies. jenna fischer to amy adams. infant to seniority. life or death. obeying their orders. blood shot eyes keep bleeding as i take this step. clean. disorder. plain and new. still bleeding. i say, "excuse me, mind your own business." alternate type of addiction. a sickness so the rope burns my palms. and it feels so good just to hold onto something. once more. im blinded. let me continue to hold on. this sick addiction wont let me off that easily.
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why do we need so much stuff? there is a finite amount of resources that is given to us, and yes, what we do with it is all in our hands. however, whoever thought that we could deplete it so quickly. there is so much talk about when the world is going to end and everything and everyone gets so scared. people are afraid to step out. people are afraid that they are not beautiful. people are afraid their shoes are gonna be ruined. but there are also people who are afraid of having nothing to eat. people who are afraid of their personal safety. people who are afraid of their children taken away from them. all of these fears would not be existent, if there was a balance on earth. our lifestyles have depleted almost all of earth's natural resources. why? we multiply too fast. it is not the need to consume that is killing us. it's the rate we do it at. we intake so much energy from this place we call home, we do not allow it to regenerate itself. and we allow it to happen. for those out there who do not give a shit about nature. here's a question for you. what do you think those shoes you wearing are made out of? hate to break it to you, but it doesnt come out of thin air. come to think of it. even if it did came out of the sky, it's polluted too. and what do you think caused that? the end of the world is not what is portrayed as devils and satan rummaging in the sky, nor a volcano is going to blow up earth,, but. it is symbolic to the energy and life on this planet that it is coming to an end, dying down. and all the hints have been sitting right in front of us the whole time. look around you, the stuff you have consumed in the room you're sitting in right now, it came from somewhere. the possibility of something astronomical happening vs. the possibility of the last tree falling. CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO WATCH VIDEO!!
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its nothing special. and everyone knows it. you'll cry anways, whether you're happy or you're sad, and no one will ever know, because everyone goes through the exact same thing. oh brother, cant you see? look around you, and see how many people are also crying. begging on their knees to not turn into stone. we'll never know who will be loved next. but it'll be the best feeling of all. they will all say they are that happiest person in the world, at that moment. but it's they are not the only ones, they are not singled out, everyone else around them are celebrating too, joyous occasions should be shared. so you are not special nor unique, it's the atoms around your space creating you the same way they have been doing in light years.
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most people dont understand why you do the things you do. but we all do those things too. unable to speak out or lead the line. dont you wish everything was just fine? but how can that be when you are not? only the insides of you know what they are taught. as a little message to the inner, you have to be bigger. a two time thinker. this cycle only gets more round.
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if everything gets out in the open, let it be. there just some things that i can't hide. that's just how i am. i cannot be this other being anymore. if you wanna exclude, go ahead. i do believe that i can live without you. it'll hurt, like it does now. but i know i'll be fine. life it is too complicated right now to deal with you. if it was due to how iam as a being that can make you stray me, then you were not worth me trying for. honestly saying i have not done anything that could make things this way. it's all up to you.
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i used to love the nightlife. i love the lights and the noise. but now it's become something i run away from. i try to just put my head under those covers, and dream away from it. leave me unconscience please, cause i dont wanna deal with the moon. everynight, at a certain period of time, the ghosts will creep up on me and whisper in my ear, telling me things i dont wanna know. stop following me around. why do you have to make everything so complicated? so hard? just let the people go, and shine on the other side of the world. days have become the new moon. keep me up and keep me moving. i just dont wanna think about dreams.
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sitting in my car waiting for the call, i laugh along. walking behind the crowd, i sing along. i dont know why i put a a smile on. when there a monster inside me. cage it in, shake it out, push it away, brush it off. i put on a smile for the one who don't matter. close my eyes and grin my pearly whites. the lines on my face spell take me away. wishing next time i see you wont be the same.
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