i wish i lived in simpler times. where i would just need to care about personal safety. and survival. like war times. i would just need to care about.. my life. because what's so great about living when you dont care about living.
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yea.so.one.of.the.worsedays.of my life. for over 10 yrs, i have been trying to do all i cant to make this house a little more bareable to live in. but i seriously cant do it anymore. like why do you have to make everything such a big deal ? you think we owe you for your support. but no that is not correct. to support us is humane, morals, your job, your responsibility. that is the leave you can do. but as a parent, a mentor, an inspiration, an educator, a caregiver, a mother, you have failed. as i was a child i had to take care of myself. broken promises i will always wake up with you leaving me. you began to leave me with bigger and angrier monsters. waiting and praying for you to come home soon to save me. that is how i learned how to read time. but you would never be ontime. even when you were back, the nightmare was over and shut. now im older, and this is how you treat me? i do things for myself and you beat me for it. you chase my down the street. barefeet. not realized what a fool you have made of youself. seeing you cry is not my weakness. i do not have a weakness for you anymore. if you are an adult, you need to be one. and let me be one. that slap on the face just fuelled me more. i have no love for you or for this god damn place. i quit.
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there comes a time in the middle of the night. i rethink alot of things. i reflect on what i did that day, what ive said, who ive seen, what will i do tommorrow and so forth. and it's usually at the end of the day, that i feel like i wanna be alone. and in daytime, i wanna be surrounded with people so im too busy to stop myself from jumping off a bridge. but obviously, what i want will never be what i get. i get the total opposite, im all alone in the morning and then when it gets to the time where i reflect on my day, i cant get the peace of the people surrounding me to do so. yet i still reflect daily, and i live a sad life. i dont do much, i dont cause much, i try to stay out of alot of things. how does one feel like so much is happening when one is trying to get out of every bad situation possible. it's like it follows me where it's unwanted. sometimes i ask myself what's the point in doing what im doing right now. is the reason still the same reason. i dunno i doubt myself alot but im also influenced alot too. maybe i just need to keep motivated somehow. i dunno what happens to me throughout the day, but usually it doesnt end up too well. sometimes it also feels like the only way i can make everyone happy is to be miserable myself. i dont do anything right apparently. how i breathe, how i sit, how i talk, how i walk, how i eat, how i look at things, how i clean myself, how i communicate, how i smile, it's all wrong. this comes very interestingly to me, because i never knew there was a right way to do all these. if everything i do is wrong, then this life must be wrong for me. gimme another. the world is a big place, with alot of people in it. and everyone is very different in their own way. why are they allowed to be different and happy, and not i ? no many how many times i say it, it will still be true. i cant wait to get out of here and take back my own life. be in control of it. even if it is ruined, and iam tirelessly working hard every minute of it, i know what iam doing will be for my own good. im working for myself, and what i want. not just to fulfill someone else's ideals. i dont understand how someone cannot understand such simple illustrations such as this. i do not have a difficult soul to read, i am not impossible to impress. what i say is never a big circle, it is only straight and forward and it never returns back. even if so, it'll be followed by a genuine apology. at the end of the day, i understand everyone wants what's good for me. but they hv to understand and think throughroughly before they determine what is. do i really want your help? do i really care? is this really the way i will accept it? and when i act out, is it really a suprise? when anyone acts out, is it really? i dont do things for no reason. i dont know how many times i would need to emphasize that. if i dont hv a reason, i would not budge. because it is meaningless to me. i need motivation, i need goals, i need control. life is a little confusing.
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have you ever put so much effort into something, so hard and so long that your life was on the line? and in the end, and then realizing you failed it. dissappointment. have you ever had to listen to two people argue about something so useless, and meaningless you want to scream at them? but you cant cause you are in no position to say anything? frustrated. have you ever wanted to speak up about something but never could, just to avoid the conflict and the aftermath of it? ignorance. have you ever wanted to yell so loud for no reason? hoping that no one will hear you and tell you to shut up, but if they do, you have the right to punch them in the face. anger. have you ever tried to get someone's attention even then they are right in front of you? then to realize, that you'll never be the centre of their eye. jealousy. have you ever felt so lonely that even when you're with your best buddies, in a room full of people, at a party, you still keep an eye at the door cause you're waiting for someone to walk through the door? lonliness. have you ever felt so useless that there is no more meaning to any action you do? just a daily consumer, a waste of space and time. agonizing. have you ever felt so confused that everything wrong seems to be right? you dont care how people feel cause whatever you think is right, and that's what matters. puzzled. have you ever wanted to cry really hard for no apparent reason? but you decide not to because you realize it's a stupid reason. breathe. i have. daily.
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tired of repeating myself. my words lose meaning after three. can't apologize for your lost anymore. it is your life to live not mine. i will never regret my decisions. you'd never thought i'd do this would you? but i did. what i see now is... a ghost is what you are. what a beautiful soul you were, and i have forgiven myself for my wrongings. and that is good enough for me. so keep chin up and open your eyes, you can still live with us. let go of the seeds and plant them. iam no longer haunted by you. so dont do anything stupid.
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i come home and i ask myself ... WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I DOING!?! im living in a hell hole. since my parents have left for their trip. i feel this sense of need to improve. on everything. for some odd reason, i dont feel like being in my room anymore. the night my parents left, i have left my bedroom, and i basically moved to the kitchen. because i wanna be closer to the fridge? no, i still barely eat outta there cause there's no food in there. the tv? no there's nothing on tv. the space? not exactly because i still consume only the smallest portion at the dinner table. but i look around me, and i just feel like there needs to be improvement. this house can do so much better. a big clean up. and no, im not going to be the one to do it. because it's not something that one person can do. no, it' snot that easy. there is just so much waste all around me. nothing is necessary. the people and the things. there's just too much stuff. now that i've been left alone for a few days, i still feel so congested. all this crap around me. i look around everywhere and i just wanna smash it into smithereens!! maybe im ready for a new life. i guess my own life? cuz nth here belongs to me. been here more over 10 yrs, and it still seems like a stranger to me. im so confused. and all these plans in my life, is it even plausible? i planned them because i want them... but how am i supposed to make it happen? oh man.. im so retarded, is how i feel right now. someone give me a box. and i'll stay in there forever. and i'll be happy. stop telephonin' me eh eh eh eh eh eh eh !
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im just mad at myself, for not keeping to my promise. i didnt want to do this to you. especially not so quickly once again. am i the most horrible person in the world? yes. i admit it. time and time again i open my big fat mouth and i just say the wrong things at the wrong times. maybe you're right, no one should ever listen to me. dont take me serious, or else you'll be damned. who knows what will happen with my words next. no im not trying to sound powering or anything, but it's just nothing ever goes right. does this compensate for the things that i should be saying out loud? instead of saying the things i shoud, i blockade them with things i shouldnt and i take the consequences into my own hands. i swore on it. i swore on everything that i believed it. i believe in tunes, and right now, i absolutely detest the song piercing into my drums. i can only pick out things i dont wanna hear. she sings ''she will love you more than i could, she who dares to stand where i stood". good job. so much for being better than the next, when you're the monster. no. dont cry, (words of encouragement). because you've been through worse, but this just hurts the most. no longer can i look into your big brown eyes, sleek black hair without feeling like a giant disappointment. i swore on everything i believe in. everything is gone, but i cant possibly let the one last thing i belive in go.
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just a thought in the shower. that i think everyone in the world is in denial about something. unable to face the truth. the real truth. they create this barrier around themselves to block and repel what they don't wanna know and face. slowly they became barricaded in this shadow, and get comfortable. and as they familarize with these false truths, they start to self destruct. all the time, every time, they try to find excuses and lies to tell their little voices inside that the prior idea that they had before was right. they wont let anything else in. because everyone's mind is a little world of their own within the universe. and humans like to control. their mind, and ideas, and decisions is the only thing that an individual can grasp. that is the only thing, because to tell you the truth, whether you like it or not, the world doesnt revolve around you, you just live in it. everything changes around you. to some people, i might be disturbing your mindsets, but i am too allowed to speak my mind. that is my decision. everyone is in some sort of denial. and the opposite to that is not to accepting the truth, or fact or anything. because what is the truth? who knows what the truth really is? who determines that? so the answer is to have hope. hope will never label a sentence as right or wrong. hope will give you the freedom of thinking of that you want to, and provide an imaginary safety net that the statement may not prevail. there. done. i just had these thoughts randomly sitting here.
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i cant go one day. just one day! without wanting to punch you in the face. fuck guy, open your eyes and see who you're dealing with now. look around you and observe how the world works. times have changed, so if you evolve with it, no one can help you anymore. consider this an extreme warning like how ive always warned you. shut up! and leave me alone!
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its nothing special. and everyone knows it. you'll cry anways, whether you're happy or you're sad, and no one will ever know, because everyone goes through the exact same thing. oh brother, cant you see? look around you, and see how many people are also crying. begging on their knees to not turn into stone. we'll never know who will be loved next. but it'll be the best feeling of all. they will all say they are that happiest person in the world, at that moment. but it's they are not the only ones, they are not singled out, everyone else around them are celebrating too, joyous occasions should be shared. so you are not special nor unique, it's the atoms around your space creating you the same way they have been doing in light years.
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