there comes a time in the middle of the night. i rethink alot of things. i reflect on what i did that day, what ive said, who ive seen, what will i do tommorrow and so forth. and it's usually at the end of the day, that i feel like i wanna be alone. and in daytime, i wanna be surrounded with people so im too busy to stop myself from jumping off a bridge. but obviously, what i want will never be what i get. i get the total opposite, im all alone in the morning and then when it gets to the time where i reflect on my day, i cant get the peace of the people surrounding me to do so. yet i still reflect daily, and i live a sad life. i dont do much, i dont cause much, i try to stay out of alot of things. how does one feel like so much is happening when one is trying to get out of every bad situation possible. it's like it follows me where it's unwanted. sometimes i ask myself what's the point in doing what im doing right now. is the reason still the same reason. i dunno i doubt myself alot but im also influenced alot too. maybe i just need to keep motivated somehow. i dunno what happens to me throughout the day, but usually it doesnt end up too well. sometimes it also feels like the only way i can make everyone happy is to be miserable myself. i dont do anything right apparently. how i breathe, how i sit, how i talk, how i walk, how i eat, how i look at things, how i clean myself, how i communicate, how i smile, it's all wrong. this comes very interestingly to me, because i never knew there was a right way to do all these. if everything i do is wrong, then this life must be wrong for me. gimme another. the world is a big place, with alot of people in it. and everyone is very different in their own way. why are they allowed to be different and happy, and not i ? no many how many times i say it, it will still be true. i cant wait to get out of here and take back my own life. be in control of it. even if it is ruined, and iam tirelessly working hard every minute of it, i know what iam doing will be for my own good. im working for myself, and what i want. not just to fulfill someone else's ideals. i dont understand how someone cannot understand such simple illustrations such as this. i do not have a difficult soul to read, i am not impossible to impress. what i say is never a big circle, it is only straight and forward and it never returns back. even if so, it'll be followed by a genuine apology. at the end of the day, i understand everyone wants what's good for me. but they hv to understand and think throughroughly before they determine what is. do i really want your help? do i really care? is this really the way i will accept it? and when i act out, is it really a suprise? when anyone acts out, is it really? i dont do things for no reason. i dont know how many times i would need to emphasize that. if i dont hv a reason, i would not budge. because it is meaningless to me. i need motivation, i need goals, i need control. life is a little confusing.
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once born, we take the first gasp of air. this large invisible sack that fills our lungs, sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's necessary inhale, exhale and the rhythm goes on. but i've noticed that life is counted by the repetitions. as are born as consumers, even to consume things which we cannot see. we must have everything. knowledge, power, love, acceptance. not in any particular order but just to illustrate how much we seek things that should seek us. when we are scared we take in another sack, when we fall in love, another, when we search for courage, another, all this taking and not enough giving back. puzzling me. have you never noticed how good a deep breath feels? to take in something and give it right back ten fold. the feeling doesn't come from the oxygen you're intaking. but the ability to let that go. try it, which feels better? by the time we die, we let go of everything that we have held ever so closely to us. we dont end our lives with an inhale, finally we feel good about ourselves because we have no more weight. how ironic is this? we are born to take in everything but never enough to make us truly happy. only when we learn to let go of what we care about gives us full pleasure. death and all his friends.
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throw a penny down the well, and i get a splash then ripples. clap my hands together and make a wish with all my might. all my thoughts are poured out into the well ever since that night. with you. you have become my wishing well, the peak of a mountain, the space of the ocean, the silence of the rain. as everything sinking into a bottomless pit, i know that you are on the other end. catching all my pennies, wishes, and thoughts. even if i get caught, it was all worth a shot. they all say it is impossible. but i will know that you exist on the other side. the taste, the touch. it might sound a little silly but, everyday i drop a penny into the well, and this lead me to you. no longer does it matter how far you are. nor the amount of time we get to spend together. because inside me, there is a well where i can fall into. something very true. [for mosquito]
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forced to grow. but after you bloom, you will still remember which way the wind came from. with a little taste of reality, you grow towards the sunlight. compelling to reach up for the energy. below, millions are trying to catch up. unprepared, try and muster what you've got and run. dont let them get you. it's all in the name of the game. eye of the tiger soldier. stuck in the mud, and everything around you moves so much faster. brush off the dust and get with the cycle. life's not waiting for you.
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drug addiction. submerged since i was fourteen. unable to tell. black and white. truth or lies. jenna fischer to amy adams. infant to seniority. life or death. obeying their orders. blood shot eyes keep bleeding as i take this step. clean. disorder. plain and new. still bleeding. i say, "excuse me, mind your own business." alternate type of addiction. a sickness so the rope burns my palms. and it feels so good just to hold onto something. once more. im blinded. let me continue to hold on. this sick addiction wont let me off that easily.
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always thought that dreams told me the truth, but who knew it was lie to me in such a great way. dreaming of lovely moments with you, and never noticed that they were rocking our setting. so fucked up, i cant even see behind the scenes. let it all out and let it spill. lies everywhere. please pinch me. i guess i dont understand why they would lie me... never push the big red button. never ever and in this dream, it never existed. but.... today, i just exploded. oh so twisted
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as i walk along this endless path, i come up with ways to see that alluring face once again. what is the difference today? what is making my eyes close as if, something has forced the lights to turn down and bring me back into a dream. it's coming down from up above my head. it sprinkles down like rain, it sparkles bright like glitter, it the gift you always wanted, that was too big to put in a box with a bow. stardust is all around. on the ground, on the rim on my glasses, on the tip of our noses, just leave me your stardust to remember you by. and at the end of this pathway, i'll bring you to your dreams and such. your star awaits you. happy valentine's day and happy one month! =)
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your eyes radiates goodness. just like the sun after a thunderstorm. it brings out the beauty in life. as simple as one small gesture is, that is all it takes to make everything worth while. the storm is hitting hard at where i stand. but knowing that the warmth of your smile is still behind the clouds, i can still stand strong against the harshest storms.
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