it was so hard. this is so painful. is there any other way to put this into words. apart of me doesnt even wanna talk about it or think about it anymore. there are no words to explain how i feel about you anymore. you and i both know how this goes. and how this will go. please never apologize to me. it hurts me when you do because that is when i know that you cant do anything to make the situation better, for either of us. we need to think about what we need/want for our futures. and if im not in yours, then im not. ive told you numerous times on what my feelings are and i do not have to repeat them again. my actions show a lot than my words. and i would do anything for you. none of this was a lie. i spent everyday wishing the same thing, trying to build a future for us, but i guess somethings just dont go as they planned. i dont want to force you into something that will torture you. and i know you dont want to do the same for me. come to think of it, this is extremely cruel and ironic because what we want is to be together, but to be together would be torture? make sense? i dunno, this is shitty as i said, we'll see what happens.

"true love storys never have endings." - richard bach
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wow so the new decade has already turned one. and just like last year, i had have alot of people to thank. im not going to repeat that list again, because its the same group of people. of course i think that this is quite a good thing because my relationship with these people have grown stronger and will just continue (i believe for now). however, i do strongly stamp 2010 as one of the most craziest years of my life. so many things has happened, it was just eventful. that would be the best term to describe it as. january - i cant forget blue mountain. with the university mates. all the memories, the laughter, the alcohol. the falling, the jokes, the moments live on. i also got my snowboarding gear, which was the beginning of this wonderous sport in my life. february - well i turned twenty. 2 decades of life has went by. and who can forget.....WINTER OLYMPICS!!! GO TEAM CANADA!! march - crash time. the planning starts for my trip to PHILIPPINES. april - PHILIPPINES 2010. perfect. precious. love. memories. food. fun. awesomeness. just absolutely pure happiness. *hearts may - summer school of university. plant and restoration ecology. perfect courses for the tree hugger. june - back to keyman. making the money. thunderstorms, earthquakes, tornados, flash floods in toronto. canada is in trouble. FIFA world cup!! july - beaches, sunshine, warmth FIFA world cup ends - spain won. whilst i was rooting for the germans. the queen monster LADY GAGA live!! august - meeting up with bernie and leah. toronto tour. also a scar for life was made on my wrist. (its very misleading). i got a blackberry and loving it. september - back to see all my uni mates!!! october - halloween madness. nuit blanche! SCREEMERS! november - the hell of school begins. never had i had less sleep in my life and more time at school. --- the beginning of the plans and thoughts of moving out. saw sara bareilles live!!! december - goodbye FES! took my last classes in university, completing my degree! .... moments of death at work. ending it off with snowboarding at blue mountain with the girls. and a first time MUSHER. dog sledding!! --- ONE OF THE BEST YEARS EVER. NEVER FORGET YOU 2010. YOURE LIKE AN OLD FRIEND TO ME. FAREWELL. ID LOVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN SOON.---
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i wish i lived in simpler times. where i would just need to care about personal safety. and survival. like war times. i would just need to care about.. my life. because what's so great about living when you dont care about living.
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yea.so.one.of.the.worsedays.of my life. for over 10 yrs, i have been trying to do all i cant to make this house a little more bareable to live in. but i seriously cant do it anymore. like why do you have to make everything such a big deal ? you think we owe you for your support. but no that is not correct. to support us is humane, morals, your job, your responsibility. that is the leave you can do. but as a parent, a mentor, an inspiration, an educator, a caregiver, a mother, you have failed. as i was a child i had to take care of myself. broken promises i will always wake up with you leaving me. you began to leave me with bigger and angrier monsters. waiting and praying for you to come home soon to save me. that is how i learned how to read time. but you would never be ontime. even when you were back, the nightmare was over and shut. now im older, and this is how you treat me? i do things for myself and you beat me for it. you chase my down the street. barefeet. not realized what a fool you have made of youself. seeing you cry is not my weakness. i do not have a weakness for you anymore. if you are an adult, you need to be one. and let me be one. that slap on the face just fuelled me more. i have no love for you or for this god damn place. i quit.
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listen to your people. listening to their loud messages, what are they trying to tell you? you hold these gigantic meetings to talk about how to solve problems, but dont you see that the answer is right in front of you. you dont ask about what the people want. the people you work for. the people who gave you this position. pay your respects, at least. and not hurt them. if you look and listen carefully, they were NOT trying to hurt anybody. but to truly make a statement for you to see. obviously, people wouldnt come to such measures to gather your attention. yes, there were some a little offside, however it is your job to ''serve and protect". who are you serving? who are you protecting? please review these questions in your head before you act. innocent people were also affected during this time. people who were just in the streets in the wrong time, people wearing the wrong clothes within the wrong crowd. hurt and then detained. hypocrisy of the system. you cant blame them for their actions, we have rights, as you had the right to choose your passion and job. the city is now darkened, no matter how much you board up the windows, and repaint the walls, we will remember the damage that has been done. we wont forget the ignorance of our leader. i myself lost today, lost faith in the city of toronto. i hope those brave voices who were hurt will regain their strength once again to stand up and come forward peacefully once again. they might not understand your means, but it will follow through.
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have you ever put so much effort into something, so hard and so long that your life was on the line? and in the end, and then realizing you failed it. dissappointment. have you ever had to listen to two people argue about something so useless, and meaningless you want to scream at them? but you cant cause you are in no position to say anything? frustrated. have you ever wanted to speak up about something but never could, just to avoid the conflict and the aftermath of it? ignorance. have you ever wanted to yell so loud for no reason? hoping that no one will hear you and tell you to shut up, but if they do, you have the right to punch them in the face. anger. have you ever tried to get someone's attention even then they are right in front of you? then to realize, that you'll never be the centre of their eye. jealousy. have you ever felt so lonely that even when you're with your best buddies, in a room full of people, at a party, you still keep an eye at the door cause you're waiting for someone to walk through the door? lonliness. have you ever felt so useless that there is no more meaning to any action you do? just a daily consumer, a waste of space and time. agonizing. have you ever felt so confused that everything wrong seems to be right? you dont care how people feel cause whatever you think is right, and that's what matters. puzzled. have you ever wanted to cry really hard for no apparent reason? but you decide not to because you realize it's a stupid reason. breathe. i have. daily.
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once born, we take the first gasp of air. this large invisible sack that fills our lungs, sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's necessary inhale, exhale and the rhythm goes on. but i've noticed that life is counted by the repetitions. as are born as consumers, even to consume things which we cannot see. we must have everything. knowledge, power, love, acceptance. not in any particular order but just to illustrate how much we seek things that should seek us. when we are scared we take in another sack, when we fall in love, another, when we search for courage, another, all this taking and not enough giving back. puzzling me. have you never noticed how good a deep breath feels? to take in something and give it right back ten fold. the feeling doesn't come from the oxygen you're intaking. but the ability to let that go. try it, which feels better? by the time we die, we let go of everything that we have held ever so closely to us. we dont end our lives with an inhale, finally we feel good about ourselves because we have no more weight. how ironic is this? we are born to take in everything but never enough to make us truly happy. only when we learn to let go of what we care about gives us full pleasure. death and all his friends.
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i come home and i ask myself ... WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I DOING!?! im living in a hell hole. since my parents have left for their trip. i feel this sense of need to improve. on everything. for some odd reason, i dont feel like being in my room anymore. the night my parents left, i have left my bedroom, and i basically moved to the kitchen. because i wanna be closer to the fridge? no, i still barely eat outta there cause there's no food in there. the tv? no there's nothing on tv. the space? not exactly because i still consume only the smallest portion at the dinner table. but i look around me, and i just feel like there needs to be improvement. this house can do so much better. a big clean up. and no, im not going to be the one to do it. because it's not something that one person can do. no, it' snot that easy. there is just so much waste all around me. nothing is necessary. the people and the things. there's just too much stuff. now that i've been left alone for a few days, i still feel so congested. all this crap around me. i look around everywhere and i just wanna smash it into smithereens!! maybe im ready for a new life. i guess my own life? cuz nth here belongs to me. been here more over 10 yrs, and it still seems like a stranger to me. im so confused. and all these plans in my life, is it even plausible? i planned them because i want them... but how am i supposed to make it happen? oh man.. im so retarded, is how i feel right now. someone give me a box. and i'll stay in there forever. and i'll be happy. stop telephonin' me eh eh eh eh eh eh eh !
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every year, around this time, it is a time for celebration in my world. a celebration for the forthcoming of a new year, a new harvest, new beginnings. however, every year, new also means put on your sneakers and just run for your lives. i do not choose for the world to be this way, i do not want the days to go by like this. as the rest of the world around me celebrates in joy. the people around me suffer. every year i apologize. and i am not forgiven for what i've caused. but it's out of my control to bring them down so hard when it should be the highlight of their lives. every year, around this time, i become a stone on a pathway. i become small and blend in the crowd. one motion and it will break the sequence. i dont make sudden movments, noises, actions, thoughts. i do not want anything to happen, so i stand still. it's been a week. and i hvnt apologized. im sorry. hopefully next yr will be a brand new beginning.
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another year has gone by, and this has been a really good year, i really have nothing to complain about. in the beginning of the year, made some important decisions, i had to be cold, and ruthless, but i knew it must be done to allow the rest of my year breathable. i gasped for air, when i stopped drowning. floating and roaming around the sea of open spaces for a while. i was able to concentrate on what i want, and get back on the saddle and continue this trail. i met a wonderful new family, at school, at work, everywhere. (jim, jen, tiff, ken, mary, zu, sameera, farrah, haris, nat, sonia, nazia, broti, rabz, megha, shangami, darryl, korri) all the concerts ive been to this year... most amazing experiences and memories with korri birch. june. edgefest - the most dirtiest and painful day of my life. love it. aug. britney - every little girl's dream come true in 1999. sept. the killers - the most theatrical moments in my eyes. oct. METRIC - one of my fav bands! finally, ive waited for so long. and holla to the twitter buds ive made this year. (holly olly, leah, berns, my koi space alien) and the most important one of all...yui_ninja heh. ♥ this summer was a total flip of a coin, in june of 2009, it totally changed my world forever. my motivation now runs over and around you. together, we'll finish this adventure. paradise falls. i wanna thank the gang for always being the best buds & able to listen to my crap, and watch me crack the best jokes. ktp, po, ho, reb, mel, pamela, cat, & gab. cheers to you all! and guys, we ended this year with the biggest bang ever. you guys are the bombest. never forget. without all of you, 2009 would be 2007 all over again. greatest appreciation and love for yous. 2010.. i will conquer you too.
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it's been a while since. no matter how tough it has been, how much stress ive put on to myself. i've been putting it off. and not letting it bother me. "looking on the bright side" but tonight, im sick of it. im tired of this. i dont wanna be that person anymore. no, not again. i want to do everything for you. but what for? sometimes i forget what the reason is. i totally regret going back there. did i know this was coming? no not really. the timing was just too good. perfect place, perfect time, the perfect person. let the net catch all the fish in the ocean and leave nothing for others. i need to get this out to you. before im too late. or you fall too far. but seems to me, patience is in our way. as i remember the days were i was being dubbed with nicknames like "impatient master" as a child, i now step down from that title for you. this is my world now, playing the waiting game. how much longer? i'll just sit back and enjoy the show. cause.
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just a thought in the shower. that i think everyone in the world is in denial about something. unable to face the truth. the real truth. they create this barrier around themselves to block and repel what they don't wanna know and face. slowly they became barricaded in this shadow, and get comfortable. and as they familarize with these false truths, they start to self destruct. all the time, every time, they try to find excuses and lies to tell their little voices inside that the prior idea that they had before was right. they wont let anything else in. because everyone's mind is a little world of their own within the universe. and humans like to control. their mind, and ideas, and decisions is the only thing that an individual can grasp. that is the only thing, because to tell you the truth, whether you like it or not, the world doesnt revolve around you, you just live in it. everything changes around you. to some people, i might be disturbing your mindsets, but i am too allowed to speak my mind. that is my decision. everyone is in some sort of denial. and the opposite to that is not to accepting the truth, or fact or anything. because what is the truth? who knows what the truth really is? who determines that? so the answer is to have hope. hope will never label a sentence as right or wrong. hope will give you the freedom of thinking of that you want to, and provide an imaginary safety net that the statement may not prevail. there. done. i just had these thoughts randomly sitting here.
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this is my world. i can do whatever i want in it. let whoever i want into it. but that's not all there is. i look below my feet and there is another world. another dimension that contains nothing i desire for. in my world, i can control everything that goes on there. every breeze and how long it lasts is in my hands. iam not trying to be this god of this place. but only to be free and in control of my own actions and movement. i want to be the god of myself. im currently living in your world. abandoning this place will leave you no reason for survival. because iam apart of what you control. if one day, you realize, that iam not within your empowerment anymore, this world of yours will disfunction, and break down. we're interconnected on dependency. however, your world will die and salvage. and that's when a whole new world begins.
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tonight, i watched a movie because i was down about the upcoming weeks to home. i decided to watch "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind". it is a story about a couple (joel and clementine) who had a wonderful long term relationship. clementine was not happy and decided to erase her memory of joel. now that joel is a stranger to her, joel decides to erase his memory too to relieve the pain. he undergoes a procedure which goes through each memory of clementine and deletes it, where it may be good or bad memories. during the process, his unconcious self realizes that he does not want to forget clementine at all. so he tries to put her into memories that she did not belong to before, like his childhood, therefore they cant erase the memory of her. the procedure continued to erase his memory. joel, being a very passive with a routined man, wakes up on valentines day and just felt like he shouldnt go to work. instead, he jumps on board to another train impulsively and heads to Montauk, where clementine told him to meet. ------------- when something true happens, no matter how much you try to manipulate it, change it, nothing will change. all the best memories are between 2 people. no one can take that away from you. no one can steal that identity from you. tell me where, and i'll meet you there.
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they want you to be something you're not. something you were never meant to be. something you were never cut out to become. they do not want good, they want greatness. they salvage on perfection. all because your success will become their claim. thieves steal your treasure. vultures on your back. blood suckers at most. imagine if i was you. the things i would tell to your face too. take it. and leave it. im just gonna be me.
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forced to grow. but after you bloom, you will still remember which way the wind came from. with a little taste of reality, you grow towards the sunlight. compelling to reach up for the energy. below, millions are trying to catch up. unprepared, try and muster what you've got and run. dont let them get you. it's all in the name of the game. eye of the tiger soldier. stuck in the mud, and everything around you moves so much faster. brush off the dust and get with the cycle. life's not waiting for you.
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i cant go one day. just one day! without wanting to punch you in the face. fuck guy, open your eyes and see who you're dealing with now. look around you and observe how the world works. times have changed, so if you evolve with it, no one can help you anymore. consider this an extreme warning like how ive always warned you. shut up! and leave me alone!
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when they are finally put six feet under, it projects something that was never put under covers. the mind screens experiences of the deadly soul. here comes the chill of the cold. poking their head out of the dirt, taking their glasses out of their shirt. watching their little heirs runnin', playing and gunnin'. these visuals are copied. they take in whatever you feed. for you to nurture, with nature. reliquish what is taboo, and speak out what is the truth. look up, and ask where the all the stars go? look down, and find the solution in an echo. ''oh father, i thirst for more." [how they will turn out to be, we will never know. but as their guardian, and sole protector, we have a responsibility to teach them the best we can and trust that they will make moral decisions. instead we confuse them with love and hate. we tell them to love is to possess. and to hate is to destroy. we have become confused ourselves because mistakes have been made to and fro. i recommend everyone to take a look back when they leave the world. and decide if they are satisfied with how they left the world to be.]
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