i wish i lived in simpler times. where i would just need to care about personal safety. and survival. like war times. i would just need to care about.. my life. because what's so great about living when you dont care about living.
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yea.so.one.of.the.worsedays.of my life. for over 10 yrs, i have been trying to do all i cant to make this house a little more bareable to live in. but i seriously cant do it anymore. like why do you have to make everything such a big deal ? you think we owe you for your support. but no that is not correct. to support us is humane, morals, your job, your responsibility. that is the leave you can do. but as a parent, a mentor, an inspiration, an educator, a caregiver, a mother, you have failed. as i was a child i had to take care of myself. broken promises i will always wake up with you leaving me. you began to leave me with bigger and angrier monsters. waiting and praying for you to come home soon to save me. that is how i learned how to read time. but you would never be ontime. even when you were back, the nightmare was over and shut. now im older, and this is how you treat me? i do things for myself and you beat me for it. you chase my down the street. barefeet. not realized what a fool you have made of youself. seeing you cry is not my weakness. i do not have a weakness for you anymore. if you are an adult, you need to be one. and let me be one. that slap on the face just fuelled me more. i have no love for you or for this god damn place. i quit.
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Sit here and listen to the rain It falls so loud on my window pain Sometimes drowning me Its like a flood I wish the weather would lift me I wish it could Abandon ship before its too late Or all this love Ive got will turn into pain, You’re not so very far away But I feel more distant with each passing day I’m alone I’m the fire and youre the flame Feeling put out, whose to blame? Still I find myself misplaced Lost in someone else I feel erased ___ im alone. even though i know im not, i do feel that i am. you tell me iam not, but who can really understand how i feel and totally realize what i want. and not think that iam a crazed idiot who is just asked for obscurity. so that is what i do, sit here and listen to the rain. a light shower sounds like hail against my window. everything becomes so loud. i cover my ears so can block off all the noise, but how can it be when it is coming from the inside. my heart screams. and only the weather who is able to take me away from here is my only resort. should i abandon this ship? or wait til i get hurt? .... feel as if everything is vanishing before my eyes.
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have you ever put so much effort into something, so hard and so long that your life was on the line? and in the end, and then realizing you failed it. dissappointment. have you ever had to listen to two people argue about something so useless, and meaningless you want to scream at them? but you cant cause you are in no position to say anything? frustrated. have you ever wanted to speak up about something but never could, just to avoid the conflict and the aftermath of it? ignorance. have you ever wanted to yell so loud for no reason? hoping that no one will hear you and tell you to shut up, but if they do, you have the right to punch them in the face. anger. have you ever tried to get someone's attention even then they are right in front of you? then to realize, that you'll never be the centre of their eye. jealousy. have you ever felt so lonely that even when you're with your best buddies, in a room full of people, at a party, you still keep an eye at the door cause you're waiting for someone to walk through the door? lonliness. have you ever felt so useless that there is no more meaning to any action you do? just a daily consumer, a waste of space and time. agonizing. have you ever felt so confused that everything wrong seems to be right? you dont care how people feel cause whatever you think is right, and that's what matters. puzzled. have you ever wanted to cry really hard for no apparent reason? but you decide not to because you realize it's a stupid reason. breathe. i have. daily.
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KILL ME, KILL ME LATER, NONE THE LESS, I'LL BE DEAD.
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i come home and i ask myself ... WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I DOING!?! im living in a hell hole. since my parents have left for their trip. i feel this sense of need to improve. on everything. for some odd reason, i dont feel like being in my room anymore. the night my parents left, i have left my bedroom, and i basically moved to the kitchen. because i wanna be closer to the fridge? no, i still barely eat outta there cause there's no food in there. the tv? no there's nothing on tv. the space? not exactly because i still consume only the smallest portion at the dinner table. but i look around me, and i just feel like there needs to be improvement. this house can do so much better. a big clean up. and no, im not going to be the one to do it. because it's not something that one person can do. no, it' snot that easy. there is just so much waste all around me. nothing is necessary. the people and the things. there's just too much stuff. now that i've been left alone for a few days, i still feel so congested. all this crap around me. i look around everywhere and i just wanna smash it into smithereens!! maybe im ready for a new life. i guess my own life? cuz nth here belongs to me. been here more over 10 yrs, and it still seems like a stranger to me. im so confused. and all these plans in my life, is it even plausible? i planned them because i want them... but how am i supposed to make it happen? oh man.. im so retarded, is how i feel right now. someone give me a box. and i'll stay in there forever. and i'll be happy. stop telephonin' me eh eh eh eh eh eh eh !
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im just mad at myself, for not keeping to my promise. i didnt want to do this to you. especially not so quickly once again. am i the most horrible person in the world? yes. i admit it. time and time again i open my big fat mouth and i just say the wrong things at the wrong times. maybe you're right, no one should ever listen to me. dont take me serious, or else you'll be damned. who knows what will happen with my words next. no im not trying to sound powering or anything, but it's just nothing ever goes right. does this compensate for the things that i should be saying out loud? instead of saying the things i shoud, i blockade them with things i shouldnt and i take the consequences into my own hands. i swore on it. i swore on everything that i believed it. i believe in tunes, and right now, i absolutely detest the song piercing into my drums. i can only pick out things i dont wanna hear. she sings ''she will love you more than i could, she who dares to stand where i stood". good job. so much for being better than the next, when you're the monster. no. dont cry, (words of encouragement). because you've been through worse, but this just hurts the most. no longer can i look into your big brown eyes, sleek black hair without feeling like a giant disappointment. i swore on everything i believe in. everything is gone, but i cant possibly let the one last thing i belive in go.
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it's been a while since. no matter how tough it has been, how much stress ive put on to myself. i've been putting it off. and not letting it bother me. "looking on the bright side" but tonight, im sick of it. im tired of this. i dont wanna be that person anymore. no, not again. i want to do everything for you. but what for? sometimes i forget what the reason is. i totally regret going back there. did i know this was coming? no not really. the timing was just too good. perfect place, perfect time, the perfect person. let the net catch all the fish in the ocean and leave nothing for others. i need to get this out to you. before im too late. or you fall too far. but seems to me, patience is in our way. as i remember the days were i was being dubbed with nicknames like "impatient master" as a child, i now step down from that title for you. this is my world now, playing the waiting game. how much longer? i'll just sit back and enjoy the show. cause.
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this is my world. i can do whatever i want in it. let whoever i want into it. but that's not all there is. i look below my feet and there is another world. another dimension that contains nothing i desire for. in my world, i can control everything that goes on there. every breeze and how long it lasts is in my hands. iam not trying to be this god of this place. but only to be free and in control of my own actions and movement. i want to be the god of myself. im currently living in your world. abandoning this place will leave you no reason for survival. because iam apart of what you control. if one day, you realize, that iam not within your empowerment anymore, this world of yours will disfunction, and break down. we're interconnected on dependency. however, your world will die and salvage. and that's when a whole new world begins.
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they want you to be something you're not. something you were never meant to be. something you were never cut out to become. they do not want good, they want greatness. they salvage on perfection. all because your success will become their claim. thieves steal your treasure. vultures on your back. blood suckers at most. imagine if i was you. the things i would tell to your face too. take it. and leave it. im just gonna be me.
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i cant go one day. just one day! without wanting to punch you in the face. fuck guy, open your eyes and see who you're dealing with now. look around you and observe how the world works. times have changed, so if you evolve with it, no one can help you anymore. consider this an extreme warning like how ive always warned you. shut up! and leave me alone!
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when you have something you want to say, but you can't tell anyone or anything. let someone else do it for you. put on 20 pounds of clothes. put on your headphones. close the door. pretend you're the biggest star in the galaxy. and just explode in your own stardom. pulling off layers as you go. burst off the weight. and let the energy transform into the words you wanna scream. be it loud. be it whispers. much too many are not said. just take it off. bare to care, the skin you're showing. the cells on your face will tell each story. create this energy and burn the carpet. do it until it hurts and you're on your knees. beggin for mercy. but you just cant stop, until the songs over. you'll find it in between each drum beats and strum. pause for dramatic effect and... let it all go again. [2 drinks and a whole shit load of great music blasting in your ears will get to you this point, where i stand alone]
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drug addiction. submerged since i was fourteen. unable to tell. black and white. truth or lies. jenna fischer to amy adams. infant to seniority. life or death. obeying their orders. blood shot eyes keep bleeding as i take this step. clean. disorder. plain and new. still bleeding. i say, "excuse me, mind your own business." alternate type of addiction. a sickness so the rope burns my palms. and it feels so good just to hold onto something. once more. im blinded. let me continue to hold on. this sick addiction wont let me off that easily.
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why do we need so much stuff? there is a finite amount of resources that is given to us, and yes, what we do with it is all in our hands. however, whoever thought that we could deplete it so quickly. there is so much talk about when the world is going to end and everything and everyone gets so scared. people are afraid to step out. people are afraid that they are not beautiful. people are afraid their shoes are gonna be ruined. but there are also people who are afraid of having nothing to eat. people who are afraid of their personal safety. people who are afraid of their children taken away from them. all of these fears would not be existent, if there was a balance on earth. our lifestyles have depleted almost all of earth's natural resources. why? we multiply too fast. it is not the need to consume that is killing us. it's the rate we do it at. we intake so much energy from this place we call home, we do not allow it to regenerate itself. and we allow it to happen. for those out there who do not give a shit about nature. here's a question for you. what do you think those shoes you wearing are made out of? hate to break it to you, but it doesnt come out of thin air. come to think of it. even if it did came out of the sky, it's polluted too. and what do you think caused that? the end of the world is not what is portrayed as devils and satan rummaging in the sky, nor a volcano is going to blow up earth,, but. it is symbolic to the energy and life on this planet that it is coming to an end, dying down. and all the hints have been sitting right in front of us the whole time. look around you, the stuff you have consumed in the room you're sitting in right now, it came from somewhere. the possibility of something astronomical happening vs. the possibility of the last tree falling. CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO WATCH VIDEO!!
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its nothing special. and everyone knows it. you'll cry anways, whether you're happy or you're sad, and no one will ever know, because everyone goes through the exact same thing. oh brother, cant you see? look around you, and see how many people are also crying. begging on their knees to not turn into stone. we'll never know who will be loved next. but it'll be the best feeling of all. they will all say they are that happiest person in the world, at that moment. but it's they are not the only ones, they are not singled out, everyone else around them are celebrating too, joyous occasions should be shared. so you are not special nor unique, it's the atoms around your space creating you the same way they have been doing in light years.
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if everything gets out in the open, let it be. there just some things that i can't hide. that's just how i am. i cannot be this other being anymore. if you wanna exclude, go ahead. i do believe that i can live without you. it'll hurt, like it does now. but i know i'll be fine. life it is too complicated right now to deal with you. if it was due to how iam as a being that can make you stray me, then you were not worth me trying for. honestly saying i have not done anything that could make things this way. it's all up to you.
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i used to love the nightlife. i love the lights and the noise. but now it's become something i run away from. i try to just put my head under those covers, and dream away from it. leave me unconscience please, cause i dont wanna deal with the moon. everynight, at a certain period of time, the ghosts will creep up on me and whisper in my ear, telling me things i dont wanna know. stop following me around. why do you have to make everything so complicated? so hard? just let the people go, and shine on the other side of the world. days have become the new moon. keep me up and keep me moving. i just dont wanna think about dreams.
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sitting in my car waiting for the call, i laugh along. walking behind the crowd, i sing along. i dont know why i put a a smile on. when there a monster inside me. cage it in, shake it out, push it away, brush it off. i put on a smile for the one who don't matter. close my eyes and grin my pearly whites. the lines on my face spell take me away. wishing next time i see you wont be the same.
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always thought that dreams told me the truth, but who knew it was lie to me in such a great way. dreaming of lovely moments with you, and never noticed that they were rocking our setting. so fucked up, i cant even see behind the scenes. let it all out and let it spill. lies everywhere. please pinch me. i guess i dont understand why they would lie me... never push the big red button. never ever and in this dream, it never existed. but.... today, i just exploded. oh so twisted
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if you were to leave, i would feel empty inside. praying for that saint to bring you back to me. if you were to leave, i would not cry, never to make you worry, make a fist and hold in my beats. if you were to leave, i would let you go. hide in your shadows, and guide the rest of you ways, and sing the songs you love.
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