it was so hard. this is so painful. is there any other way to put this into words. apart of me doesnt even wanna talk about it or think about it anymore. there are no words to explain how i feel about you anymore. you and i both know how this goes. and how this will go. please never apologize to me. it hurts me when you do because that is when i know that you cant do anything to make the situation better, for either of us. we need to think about what we need/want for our futures. and if im not in yours, then im not. ive told you numerous times on what my feelings are and i do not have to repeat them again. my actions show a lot than my words. and i would do anything for you. none of this was a lie. i spent everyday wishing the same thing, trying to build a future for us, but i guess somethings just dont go as they planned. i dont want to force you into something that will torture you. and i know you dont want to do the same for me. come to think of it, this is extremely cruel and ironic because what we want is to be together, but to be together would be torture? make sense? i dunno, this is shitty as i said, we'll see what happens.

"true love storys never have endings." - richard bach
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i wish i lived in simpler times. where i would just need to care about personal safety. and survival. like war times. i would just need to care about.. my life. because what's so great about living when you dont care about living.
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yea.so.one.of.the.worsedays.of my life. for over 10 yrs, i have been trying to do all i cant to make this house a little more bareable to live in. but i seriously cant do it anymore. like why do you have to make everything such a big deal ? you think we owe you for your support. but no that is not correct. to support us is humane, morals, your job, your responsibility. that is the leave you can do. but as a parent, a mentor, an inspiration, an educator, a caregiver, a mother, you have failed. as i was a child i had to take care of myself. broken promises i will always wake up with you leaving me. you began to leave me with bigger and angrier monsters. waiting and praying for you to come home soon to save me. that is how i learned how to read time. but you would never be ontime. even when you were back, the nightmare was over and shut. now im older, and this is how you treat me? i do things for myself and you beat me for it. you chase my down the street. barefeet. not realized what a fool you have made of youself. seeing you cry is not my weakness. i do not have a weakness for you anymore. if you are an adult, you need to be one. and let me be one. that slap on the face just fuelled me more. i have no love for you or for this god damn place. i quit.
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Sit here and listen to the rain It falls so loud on my window pain Sometimes drowning me Its like a flood I wish the weather would lift me I wish it could Abandon ship before its too late Or all this love Ive got will turn into pain, You’re not so very far away But I feel more distant with each passing day I’m alone I’m the fire and youre the flame Feeling put out, whose to blame? Still I find myself misplaced Lost in someone else I feel erased ___ im alone. even though i know im not, i do feel that i am. you tell me iam not, but who can really understand how i feel and totally realize what i want. and not think that iam a crazed idiot who is just asked for obscurity. so that is what i do, sit here and listen to the rain. a light shower sounds like hail against my window. everything becomes so loud. i cover my ears so can block off all the noise, but how can it be when it is coming from the inside. my heart screams. and only the weather who is able to take me away from here is my only resort. should i abandon this ship? or wait til i get hurt? .... feel as if everything is vanishing before my eyes.
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have you ever put so much effort into something, so hard and so long that your life was on the line? and in the end, and then realizing you failed it. dissappointment. have you ever had to listen to two people argue about something so useless, and meaningless you want to scream at them? but you cant cause you are in no position to say anything? frustrated. have you ever wanted to speak up about something but never could, just to avoid the conflict and the aftermath of it? ignorance. have you ever wanted to yell so loud for no reason? hoping that no one will hear you and tell you to shut up, but if they do, you have the right to punch them in the face. anger. have you ever tried to get someone's attention even then they are right in front of you? then to realize, that you'll never be the centre of their eye. jealousy. have you ever felt so lonely that even when you're with your best buddies, in a room full of people, at a party, you still keep an eye at the door cause you're waiting for someone to walk through the door? lonliness. have you ever felt so useless that there is no more meaning to any action you do? just a daily consumer, a waste of space and time. agonizing. have you ever felt so confused that everything wrong seems to be right? you dont care how people feel cause whatever you think is right, and that's what matters. puzzled. have you ever wanted to cry really hard for no apparent reason? but you decide not to because you realize it's a stupid reason. breathe. i have. daily.
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Just think of this and me as just a few of the many things to lie around, to clutter up your shelves. And I wish you weren't worth the wait cause there's some thing's I'd like to say to you... And I don't think that you know what you've been missing 'Cause I don't think that you know what you've been missing And I dare you to forget the marks you left across my neck, from those nights when we were both found at our best. Now I could make this obvious, and you, you could deny meall in one breath. you could shrug me off your shoulders... And I don't think that you know what you've been missing. 'Cause I don't think that you know what you've been missing. And I don't think that you know I said I don't think you know I said I don't think you know what your missing. Hey, lush, have fun It's the weekend Hey, lush, have fun I don't think that you know what you've been missing. I don't think that you know what you've been missing. Just forget me it's that simple Just forget me it's that simple [yeah its one of those moments when she cant find the words to describe what's going on, or how they feel. so the alternative is to look into songs. guess what? im one of the lucky ones who did. every word of this is what im feeling right now or these days in fact. thanks band i-listen-to-from-time-to-time. to be honest, i didnt even realize it until the end. while i was sitting in that lab alone. then the last words of the song captured my attention. im also trying to look past the obvious.] its been 28 days.
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KILL ME, KILL ME LATER, NONE THE LESS, I'LL BE DEAD.
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i come home and i ask myself ... WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I DOING!?! im living in a hell hole. since my parents have left for their trip. i feel this sense of need to improve. on everything. for some odd reason, i dont feel like being in my room anymore. the night my parents left, i have left my bedroom, and i basically moved to the kitchen. because i wanna be closer to the fridge? no, i still barely eat outta there cause there's no food in there. the tv? no there's nothing on tv. the space? not exactly because i still consume only the smallest portion at the dinner table. but i look around me, and i just feel like there needs to be improvement. this house can do so much better. a big clean up. and no, im not going to be the one to do it. because it's not something that one person can do. no, it' snot that easy. there is just so much waste all around me. nothing is necessary. the people and the things. there's just too much stuff. now that i've been left alone for a few days, i still feel so congested. all this crap around me. i look around everywhere and i just wanna smash it into smithereens!! maybe im ready for a new life. i guess my own life? cuz nth here belongs to me. been here more over 10 yrs, and it still seems like a stranger to me. im so confused. and all these plans in my life, is it even plausible? i planned them because i want them... but how am i supposed to make it happen? oh man.. im so retarded, is how i feel right now. someone give me a box. and i'll stay in there forever. and i'll be happy. stop telephonin' me eh eh eh eh eh eh eh !
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im just mad at myself, for not keeping to my promise. i didnt want to do this to you. especially not so quickly once again. am i the most horrible person in the world? yes. i admit it. time and time again i open my big fat mouth and i just say the wrong things at the wrong times. maybe you're right, no one should ever listen to me. dont take me serious, or else you'll be damned. who knows what will happen with my words next. no im not trying to sound powering or anything, but it's just nothing ever goes right. does this compensate for the things that i should be saying out loud? instead of saying the things i shoud, i blockade them with things i shouldnt and i take the consequences into my own hands. i swore on it. i swore on everything that i believed it. i believe in tunes, and right now, i absolutely detest the song piercing into my drums. i can only pick out things i dont wanna hear. she sings ''she will love you more than i could, she who dares to stand where i stood". good job. so much for being better than the next, when you're the monster. no. dont cry, (words of encouragement). because you've been through worse, but this just hurts the most. no longer can i look into your big brown eyes, sleek black hair without feeling like a giant disappointment. i swore on everything i believe in. everything is gone, but i cant possibly let the one last thing i belive in go.
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it's been a while since. no matter how tough it has been, how much stress ive put on to myself. i've been putting it off. and not letting it bother me. "looking on the bright side" but tonight, im sick of it. im tired of this. i dont wanna be that person anymore. no, not again. i want to do everything for you. but what for? sometimes i forget what the reason is. i totally regret going back there. did i know this was coming? no not really. the timing was just too good. perfect place, perfect time, the perfect person. let the net catch all the fish in the ocean and leave nothing for others. i need to get this out to you. before im too late. or you fall too far. but seems to me, patience is in our way. as i remember the days were i was being dubbed with nicknames like "impatient master" as a child, i now step down from that title for you. this is my world now, playing the waiting game. how much longer? i'll just sit back and enjoy the show. cause.
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i used to love the nightlife. i love the lights and the noise. but now it's become something i run away from. i try to just put my head under those covers, and dream away from it. leave me unconscience please, cause i dont wanna deal with the moon. everynight, at a certain period of time, the ghosts will creep up on me and whisper in my ear, telling me things i dont wanna know. stop following me around. why do you have to make everything so complicated? so hard? just let the people go, and shine on the other side of the world. days have become the new moon. keep me up and keep me moving. i just dont wanna think about dreams.
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if you were to leave, i would feel empty inside. praying for that saint to bring you back to me. if you were to leave, i would not cry, never to make you worry, make a fist and hold in my beats. if you were to leave, i would let you go. hide in your shadows, and guide the rest of you ways, and sing the songs you love.
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