there comes a time in the middle of the night. i rethink alot of things. i reflect on what i did that day, what ive said, who ive seen, what will i do tommorrow and so forth. and it's usually at the end of the day, that i feel like i wanna be alone. and in daytime, i wanna be surrounded with people so im too busy to stop myself from jumping off a bridge. but obviously, what i want will never be what i get. i get the total opposite, im all alone in the morning and then when it gets to the time where i reflect on my day, i cant get the peace of the people surrounding me to do so. yet i still reflect daily, and i live a sad life. i dont do much, i dont cause much, i try to stay out of alot of things. how does one feel like so much is happening when one is trying to get out of every bad situation possible. it's like it follows me where it's unwanted. sometimes i ask myself what's the point in doing what im doing right now. is the reason still the same reason. i dunno i doubt myself alot but im also influenced alot too. maybe i just need to keep motivated somehow. i dunno what happens to me throughout the day, but usually it doesnt end up too well. sometimes it also feels like the only way i can make everyone happy is to be miserable myself.
i dont do anything right apparently. how i breathe, how i sit, how i talk, how i walk, how i eat, how i look at things, how i clean myself, how i communicate, how i smile, it's all wrong. this comes very interestingly to me, because i never knew there was a right way to do all these. if everything i do is wrong, then this life must be wrong for me. gimme another.
the world is a big place, with alot of people in it. and everyone is very different in their own way. why are they allowed to be different and happy, and not i ? no many how many times i say it, it will still be true. i cant wait to get out of here and take back my own life. be in control of it. even if it is ruined, and iam tirelessly working hard every minute of it, i know what iam doing will be for my own good. im working for myself, and what i want. not just to fulfill someone else's ideals. i dont understand how someone cannot understand such simple illustrations such as this. i do not have a difficult soul to read, i am not impossible to impress. what i say is never a big circle, it is only straight and forward and it never returns back. even if so, it'll be followed by a genuine apology.

at the end of the day, i understand everyone wants what's good for me. but they hv to understand and think throughroughly before they determine what is. do i really want your help? do i really care? is this really the way i will accept it? and when i act out, is it really a suprise? when anyone acts out, is it really? i dont do things for no reason. i dont know how many times i would need to emphasize that. if i dont hv a reason, i would not budge. because it is meaningless to me. i need motivation, i need goals, i need control.

life is a little confusing.