it was so hard. this is so painful. is there any other way to put this into words. apart of me doesnt even wanna talk about it or think about it anymore. there are no words to explain how i feel about you anymore. you and i both know how this goes. and how this will go. please never apologize to me. it hurts me when you do because that is when i know that you cant do anything to make the situation better, for either of us. we need to think about what we need/want for our futures. and if im not in yours, then im not. ive told you numerous times on what my feelings are and i do not have to repeat them again. my actions show a lot than my words. and i would do anything for you. none of this was a lie. i spent everyday wishing the same thing, trying to build a future for us, but i guess somethings just dont go as they planned. i dont want to force you into something that will torture you. and i know you dont want to do the same for me. come to think of it, this is extremely cruel and ironic because what we want is to be together, but to be together would be torture? make sense? i dunno, this is shitty as i said, we'll see what happens.

"true love storys never have endings." - richard bach
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for the 2 people who continues to visit my blog everyday, i thank you. i dont exactly know who you are. (or i could be totally wrong) i just wanna thank you. i wont update very often because ive been fairly busy, but it doesnt mean that nothing has been on my mind lately. but everytime i come back onto my own blog to review somethings, my little hamster on a wheel tells me 2 people cared today. i assume it is the same 2 people, (cause it could be 2 diff). i also assume that you care about me. or find some sort of meaning to you with my stories. and i feel very honoured to do that for you. its 730 in the morning, but i only had 3 hrs of sleep. my life is in a changing state right now. and i think i just dont know how to put everything in words. well, maybe just a few. confused. anger. frustration. yeah that pretty much sums it up. take a sip of it and let it digest in you.
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wow so the new decade has already turned one. and just like last year, i had have alot of people to thank. im not going to repeat that list again, because its the same group of people. of course i think that this is quite a good thing because my relationship with these people have grown stronger and will just continue (i believe for now). however, i do strongly stamp 2010 as one of the most craziest years of my life. so many things has happened, it was just eventful. that would be the best term to describe it as. january - i cant forget blue mountain. with the university mates. all the memories, the laughter, the alcohol. the falling, the jokes, the moments live on. i also got my snowboarding gear, which was the beginning of this wonderous sport in my life. february - well i turned twenty. 2 decades of life has went by. and who can forget.....WINTER OLYMPICS!!! GO TEAM CANADA!! march - crash time. the planning starts for my trip to PHILIPPINES. april - PHILIPPINES 2010. perfect. precious. love. memories. food. fun. awesomeness. just absolutely pure happiness. *hearts may - summer school of university. plant and restoration ecology. perfect courses for the tree hugger. june - back to keyman. making the money. thunderstorms, earthquakes, tornados, flash floods in toronto. canada is in trouble. FIFA world cup!! july - beaches, sunshine, warmth FIFA world cup ends - spain won. whilst i was rooting for the germans. the queen monster LADY GAGA live!! august - meeting up with bernie and leah. toronto tour. also a scar for life was made on my wrist. (its very misleading). i got a blackberry and loving it. september - back to see all my uni mates!!! october - halloween madness. nuit blanche! SCREEMERS! november - the hell of school begins. never had i had less sleep in my life and more time at school. --- the beginning of the plans and thoughts of moving out. saw sara bareilles live!!! december - goodbye FES! took my last classes in university, completing my degree! .... moments of death at work. ending it off with snowboarding at blue mountain with the girls. and a first time MUSHER. dog sledding!! --- ONE OF THE BEST YEARS EVER. NEVER FORGET YOU 2010. YOURE LIKE AN OLD FRIEND TO ME. FAREWELL. ID LOVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN SOON.---
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things just get wronger and wronger. i recently had a dream that basically was a dream come true. or i wish it did. twas another person in my dreams than the usual person. it gave me warmth and happiness. maybe it is just the desire for some affection because i miss you so. but it was so real that i even tried to make it happen the next day. i cant describe it, but i feel the need to analyze you and just watch you from afar. i long for the tuesdays we meet once a week and we have out secret little conversations that dont even matter to the world, but it was something to call our own. i have not met you for too long, but i feel comfortable enough with you that i can call you a friend and say anything to make you happy. or as i say.. sometimes i act like a 5 yr old little boy, tormenting the little girl on the other side of the room just to create some sort of dialogue. why do i do this? but i know this cannot last for long. i know it is not real, and it cant be. im only diverting myself to you because she is not here. i hope it is not wrong of me to do this. because i know who matters to me most. i will not stop myself from you, because my feelings are innocent. i dont expect anything from you of course. even tho i know there is someone else in your life, i will do my best for you to make them happy. it's odd... but...... it's also very fun. it makes life alot more interesting. "You make me wanna leave the one I'm with Start a new relationshipwith you This is what you do" wow. wtf
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lets dig a hole and sit in it. i refuse oh! i refuse. i decline thy generous hand. because this land was built by my own mind. i know its a lot to take in, but it was anyones possession. they never regretted that night. all their mistakes will be forgotten. the dead keeps the best secrets. the eyes are dark and hollow as the forest. but it does not mean what is inside is empty. why does it sould like it is raining outside, when it is really hot. that would possibly be. its raining everywhere. and its very loud. kinda stings. guestimation. people should make up words more often. if the word defines the moment better, why not? it all starts with hello. the dark and spiders. or even spiders in the dark are scary. not i. i guess im not sleeping at all tonight. those 2 hours were not that peaceful anyways. what is right and wrong. what is day and what is night. waht is true and lies. i dont think i can tell anymore. you say you are scared to leave me. but here iam left alone. why is it so scary? at least you will know where you last left me. and all im always ever doing is, guestimating. at the end of the day, im still wondering what you are up to. i bet it is something better than what iam going through. i would talk to you, if only you would be here to listen.
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i wish i lived in simpler times. where i would just need to care about personal safety. and survival. like war times. i would just need to care about.. my life. because what's so great about living when you dont care about living.
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yea.so.one.of.the.worsedays.of my life. for over 10 yrs, i have been trying to do all i cant to make this house a little more bareable to live in. but i seriously cant do it anymore. like why do you have to make everything such a big deal ? you think we owe you for your support. but no that is not correct. to support us is humane, morals, your job, your responsibility. that is the leave you can do. but as a parent, a mentor, an inspiration, an educator, a caregiver, a mother, you have failed. as i was a child i had to take care of myself. broken promises i will always wake up with you leaving me. you began to leave me with bigger and angrier monsters. waiting and praying for you to come home soon to save me. that is how i learned how to read time. but you would never be ontime. even when you were back, the nightmare was over and shut. now im older, and this is how you treat me? i do things for myself and you beat me for it. you chase my down the street. barefeet. not realized what a fool you have made of youself. seeing you cry is not my weakness. i do not have a weakness for you anymore. if you are an adult, you need to be one. and let me be one. that slap on the face just fuelled me more. i have no love for you or for this god damn place. i quit.
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i sit and wait all day. patiently waiting for my prey to come around the coner. then i go and trap them with the sweetness of my tongue. it might taste good to me, but it is a savoury kill. needing warmth underneath me. i will use your the last pound of your dead body to keep me at ease. i know this isnt right, but this is the only way. my nature lets me bring you down. >>> of course this is not what i really mean to do. im kinda annoyed with myself and how i cannot control myself with how iam. i wanna change and not be trapping you anymore. but i just dont wanna let you fly too far. what if the string breaks? i will work on it. i wish you could help me but im scared.
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**in NO specific order** - marian rivera - lee hyori - olivia wilde - brandon flowers - megan fox - priscilla ahn - leonardo dicaprio - adam levine - emily haines - kina grannis - janis joplin - tia carrere - jlovesmac1 - dallas green - april bowlby - sofia vargara - vivian chow (the old her) - lita ford - alison mosshart - mike chang from glee - julie andrews --- i just felt like putting this out there. that my list for now, im sure i have more.
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Sit here and listen to the rain It falls so loud on my window pain Sometimes drowning me Its like a flood I wish the weather would lift me I wish it could Abandon ship before its too late Or all this love Ive got will turn into pain, You’re not so very far away But I feel more distant with each passing day I’m alone I’m the fire and youre the flame Feeling put out, whose to blame? Still I find myself misplaced Lost in someone else I feel erased ___ im alone. even though i know im not, i do feel that i am. you tell me iam not, but who can really understand how i feel and totally realize what i want. and not think that iam a crazed idiot who is just asked for obscurity. so that is what i do, sit here and listen to the rain. a light shower sounds like hail against my window. everything becomes so loud. i cover my ears so can block off all the noise, but how can it be when it is coming from the inside. my heart screams. and only the weather who is able to take me away from here is my only resort. should i abandon this ship? or wait til i get hurt? .... feel as if everything is vanishing before my eyes.
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who can i blame? didnt i bring this all onto myself anyways? everyone told me no and i still went for it. my heart told me that this was the right thing to do, and that i will never regret this, therefore i will be happy. but why does it hurt now? i wish i was as carefree as you are. i wish i was as open as you are. i wish i could care less, but i everytime i get to this point, only when i feel helpless, i tend to let go. i am not some sort of force of nature. i do not want to play your God. i just wanna be held the same way i held you. if i dropped everything, will i still receive the same ignorance that i do today? why do i care so much? do i care too much? i wanna be carefree too.
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the other day i was sitting around the house moping about. i turned on the picture box to see what it'll show me today. batman returns. a classic. who can resist? catwoman eyes, batman's hardcore body and alfred's lameness. who captured me most of the character of penguin. first of how much he looked exactly like the comic. unreal. secondly, i asked myself why is he the villian in the movie? for a while, everyone loved penguin, supporting him to be mayor. flocks of women, mothers and/with their children would go up to him. so why is he the villian? what is wrong with a new leader? is it only because he is not attractive? why is it only the ones that are masked the heroes? why ones who have a secondary personality be the credited one? is hiding your real identity the point of the story? in most superhero stories, the villian is very certain about their identity. there is no doubt. there is no hiding. they scream out their name in pride, they create a dramatic entrance, and show their courage against their opponent. while the hero is easily disgressed into a romantic relationship. hiding in their costume and mask, worried about what people think of them once they know their true identity. so is that the message for the viewers/readers? the antagonist is one who is truthful to who they are no matter what. always striving to accomplish their goal. at a young age, we are given this borderline between villan and heroism. but should these criteria really be applied into real life? or could it be? arent we just a bit hypocritical? that is why we are such fuck ups.
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if the past year was a race, i would run it again and again without haste. a check point if you may, to mark the 365th day. what's in a name? what's in a number? there is no difference, nothing has changed. whoever tries to rationalize what happened must be derranged, because this is what fate arranged. just like how danny zuko never wanted it to end. you were my summersend. day in and day out, dont we just want to shout it out loud? how much we love each other and we are proud. being alone is hard at times, but it would be harder without my partner in crime. the month of april will never exit my mind. only the memories of that month helps me keep me alive. three sixty-five. no doubt, i will relive those memories. and create a world with you with no worries. oceans apart, and here comes the sun again. here i go, continuing the race of a lifetime. i wont stop runnning until i reach the end, you at the finish line. g
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there comes a time in the middle of the night. i rethink alot of things. i reflect on what i did that day, what ive said, who ive seen, what will i do tommorrow and so forth. and it's usually at the end of the day, that i feel like i wanna be alone. and in daytime, i wanna be surrounded with people so im too busy to stop myself from jumping off a bridge. but obviously, what i want will never be what i get. i get the total opposite, im all alone in the morning and then when it gets to the time where i reflect on my day, i cant get the peace of the people surrounding me to do so. yet i still reflect daily, and i live a sad life. i dont do much, i dont cause much, i try to stay out of alot of things. how does one feel like so much is happening when one is trying to get out of every bad situation possible. it's like it follows me where it's unwanted. sometimes i ask myself what's the point in doing what im doing right now. is the reason still the same reason. i dunno i doubt myself alot but im also influenced alot too. maybe i just need to keep motivated somehow. i dunno what happens to me throughout the day, but usually it doesnt end up too well. sometimes it also feels like the only way i can make everyone happy is to be miserable myself. i dont do anything right apparently. how i breathe, how i sit, how i talk, how i walk, how i eat, how i look at things, how i clean myself, how i communicate, how i smile, it's all wrong. this comes very interestingly to me, because i never knew there was a right way to do all these. if everything i do is wrong, then this life must be wrong for me. gimme another. the world is a big place, with alot of people in it. and everyone is very different in their own way. why are they allowed to be different and happy, and not i ? no many how many times i say it, it will still be true. i cant wait to get out of here and take back my own life. be in control of it. even if it is ruined, and iam tirelessly working hard every minute of it, i know what iam doing will be for my own good. im working for myself, and what i want. not just to fulfill someone else's ideals. i dont understand how someone cannot understand such simple illustrations such as this. i do not have a difficult soul to read, i am not impossible to impress. what i say is never a big circle, it is only straight and forward and it never returns back. even if so, it'll be followed by a genuine apology. at the end of the day, i understand everyone wants what's good for me. but they hv to understand and think throughroughly before they determine what is. do i really want your help? do i really care? is this really the way i will accept it? and when i act out, is it really a suprise? when anyone acts out, is it really? i dont do things for no reason. i dont know how many times i would need to emphasize that. if i dont hv a reason, i would not budge. because it is meaningless to me. i need motivation, i need goals, i need control. life is a little confusing.
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listen to your people. listening to their loud messages, what are they trying to tell you? you hold these gigantic meetings to talk about how to solve problems, but dont you see that the answer is right in front of you. you dont ask about what the people want. the people you work for. the people who gave you this position. pay your respects, at least. and not hurt them. if you look and listen carefully, they were NOT trying to hurt anybody. but to truly make a statement for you to see. obviously, people wouldnt come to such measures to gather your attention. yes, there were some a little offside, however it is your job to ''serve and protect". who are you serving? who are you protecting? please review these questions in your head before you act. innocent people were also affected during this time. people who were just in the streets in the wrong time, people wearing the wrong clothes within the wrong crowd. hurt and then detained. hypocrisy of the system. you cant blame them for their actions, we have rights, as you had the right to choose your passion and job. the city is now darkened, no matter how much you board up the windows, and repaint the walls, we will remember the damage that has been done. we wont forget the ignorance of our leader. i myself lost today, lost faith in the city of toronto. i hope those brave voices who were hurt will regain their strength once again to stand up and come forward peacefully once again. they might not understand your means, but it will follow through.
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have you ever put so much effort into something, so hard and so long that your life was on the line? and in the end, and then realizing you failed it. dissappointment. have you ever had to listen to two people argue about something so useless, and meaningless you want to scream at them? but you cant cause you are in no position to say anything? frustrated. have you ever wanted to speak up about something but never could, just to avoid the conflict and the aftermath of it? ignorance. have you ever wanted to yell so loud for no reason? hoping that no one will hear you and tell you to shut up, but if they do, you have the right to punch them in the face. anger. have you ever tried to get someone's attention even then they are right in front of you? then to realize, that you'll never be the centre of their eye. jealousy. have you ever felt so lonely that even when you're with your best buddies, in a room full of people, at a party, you still keep an eye at the door cause you're waiting for someone to walk through the door? lonliness. have you ever felt so useless that there is no more meaning to any action you do? just a daily consumer, a waste of space and time. agonizing. have you ever felt so confused that everything wrong seems to be right? you dont care how people feel cause whatever you think is right, and that's what matters. puzzled. have you ever wanted to cry really hard for no apparent reason? but you decide not to because you realize it's a stupid reason. breathe. i have. daily.
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i saw this book when i was in the philippines at a bookstore. it was kind of a low point that day, and i was standing beside someone who i did not want to speak to at the moment. i was reading a book of short poems, because at that specific moment, i just had no patience to start something i knew i couldnt finish. as i was reading, something caught my eye and it was a name. VERONIKA. i guess it was the exchange a K instead of a C. at first it would seem like just a regular book to me. but it attracted me to go over to pick up this book with a weird name on it. the title of the book was ''Veronika Decides to Die" by Paul Coelho. the first time i saw Veronika was in a song by Billy Talent. never knowing where the inspiration of the lyrics came from, i really enjoyed the song nonetheless. track number three. this character really intrigued me by the way they described her, and how much she wanted to get out of the world she was living in. by unfortunately, as many songs often do, does not provide an ending to the story. i wanted to know about about veronika, why did they call her a saint? why did she attempt to kill herself? why was she put into a mental hospital? and why was her name spelled with a K and not the average C? all these questions were answered in the book by Paul fascinated by the book, i read on and i discovered many theories of life and death that never really occured to me before. or, it allowed my unexplained theories to become more vivid. this has definetly become one of my fave books.
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Just think of this and me as just a few of the many things to lie around, to clutter up your shelves. And I wish you weren't worth the wait cause there's some thing's I'd like to say to you... And I don't think that you know what you've been missing 'Cause I don't think that you know what you've been missing And I dare you to forget the marks you left across my neck, from those nights when we were both found at our best. Now I could make this obvious, and you, you could deny meall in one breath. you could shrug me off your shoulders... And I don't think that you know what you've been missing. 'Cause I don't think that you know what you've been missing. And I don't think that you know I said I don't think you know I said I don't think you know what your missing. Hey, lush, have fun It's the weekend Hey, lush, have fun I don't think that you know what you've been missing. I don't think that you know what you've been missing. Just forget me it's that simple Just forget me it's that simple [yeah its one of those moments when she cant find the words to describe what's going on, or how they feel. so the alternative is to look into songs. guess what? im one of the lucky ones who did. every word of this is what im feeling right now or these days in fact. thanks band i-listen-to-from-time-to-time. to be honest, i didnt even realize it until the end. while i was sitting in that lab alone. then the last words of the song captured my attention. im also trying to look past the obvious.] its been 28 days.
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it was a grand place to be. it was warm and loving. it was all knowing and exciting. it was easy but very difficult to reach. it was open and carefree. it was scary the first time. it was confusing at times. most times. it was quiet inside, but very loud outside. or sometimes, it was loud inside, blocking the noise outside. it was an adventure, an exploration, into an abyss of someone else's world. it was new and bright. it was fast and short. it was realizing the smaller things. it was seeing the bigger picture. it was you. and it was me. it was we. it was it was. now im back. from flight CX907
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once born, we take the first gasp of air. this large invisible sack that fills our lungs, sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's necessary inhale, exhale and the rhythm goes on. but i've noticed that life is counted by the repetitions. as are born as consumers, even to consume things which we cannot see. we must have everything. knowledge, power, love, acceptance. not in any particular order but just to illustrate how much we seek things that should seek us. when we are scared we take in another sack, when we fall in love, another, when we search for courage, another, all this taking and not enough giving back. puzzling me. have you never noticed how good a deep breath feels? to take in something and give it right back ten fold. the feeling doesn't come from the oxygen you're intaking. but the ability to let that go. try it, which feels better? by the time we die, we let go of everything that we have held ever so closely to us. we dont end our lives with an inhale, finally we feel good about ourselves because we have no more weight. how ironic is this? we are born to take in everything but never enough to make us truly happy. only when we learn to let go of what we care about gives us full pleasure. death and all his friends.
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tired of repeating myself. my words lose meaning after three. can't apologize for your lost anymore. it is your life to live not mine. i will never regret my decisions. you'd never thought i'd do this would you? but i did. what i see now is... a ghost is what you are. what a beautiful soul you were, and i have forgiven myself for my wrongings. and that is good enough for me. so keep chin up and open your eyes, you can still live with us. let go of the seeds and plant them. iam no longer haunted by you. so dont do anything stupid.
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KILL ME, KILL ME LATER, NONE THE LESS, I'LL BE DEAD.
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i come home and i ask myself ... WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I DOING!?! im living in a hell hole. since my parents have left for their trip. i feel this sense of need to improve. on everything. for some odd reason, i dont feel like being in my room anymore. the night my parents left, i have left my bedroom, and i basically moved to the kitchen. because i wanna be closer to the fridge? no, i still barely eat outta there cause there's no food in there. the tv? no there's nothing on tv. the space? not exactly because i still consume only the smallest portion at the dinner table. but i look around me, and i just feel like there needs to be improvement. this house can do so much better. a big clean up. and no, im not going to be the one to do it. because it's not something that one person can do. no, it' snot that easy. there is just so much waste all around me. nothing is necessary. the people and the things. there's just too much stuff. now that i've been left alone for a few days, i still feel so congested. all this crap around me. i look around everywhere and i just wanna smash it into smithereens!! maybe im ready for a new life. i guess my own life? cuz nth here belongs to me. been here more over 10 yrs, and it still seems like a stranger to me. im so confused. and all these plans in my life, is it even plausible? i planned them because i want them... but how am i supposed to make it happen? oh man.. im so retarded, is how i feel right now. someone give me a box. and i'll stay in there forever. and i'll be happy. stop telephonin' me eh eh eh eh eh eh eh !
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we are the runaways. perfectly titled for us. so put on your best sneakers, cause it's gonna be a long way. there's no telling how far we'll go, to get what we want. what do we want? i have no fucking clue, but im sure it'll be the most amazing time to find that out with you. something we must do. i have your back, and you have mine. we'll carry each other along. you run, and i'll run with you too. this entire wild journey will leave us gasping for air. take my breath away will you? crimson and clover.
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im just mad at myself, for not keeping to my promise. i didnt want to do this to you. especially not so quickly once again. am i the most horrible person in the world? yes. i admit it. time and time again i open my big fat mouth and i just say the wrong things at the wrong times. maybe you're right, no one should ever listen to me. dont take me serious, or else you'll be damned. who knows what will happen with my words next. no im not trying to sound powering or anything, but it's just nothing ever goes right. does this compensate for the things that i should be saying out loud? instead of saying the things i shoud, i blockade them with things i shouldnt and i take the consequences into my own hands. i swore on it. i swore on everything that i believed it. i believe in tunes, and right now, i absolutely detest the song piercing into my drums. i can only pick out things i dont wanna hear. she sings ''she will love you more than i could, she who dares to stand where i stood". good job. so much for being better than the next, when you're the monster. no. dont cry, (words of encouragement). because you've been through worse, but this just hurts the most. no longer can i look into your big brown eyes, sleek black hair without feeling like a giant disappointment. i swore on everything i believe in. everything is gone, but i cant possibly let the one last thing i belive in go.
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every year, around this time, it is a time for celebration in my world. a celebration for the forthcoming of a new year, a new harvest, new beginnings. however, every year, new also means put on your sneakers and just run for your lives. i do not choose for the world to be this way, i do not want the days to go by like this. as the rest of the world around me celebrates in joy. the people around me suffer. every year i apologize. and i am not forgiven for what i've caused. but it's out of my control to bring them down so hard when it should be the highlight of their lives. every year, around this time, i become a stone on a pathway. i become small and blend in the crowd. one motion and it will break the sequence. i dont make sudden movments, noises, actions, thoughts. i do not want anything to happen, so i stand still. it's been a week. and i hvnt apologized. im sorry. hopefully next yr will be a brand new beginning.
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a baker was entering his kitchen to check on his batch of steamy caramel. ''stir faster!" he yells at his nervous sous chef with a biscuit in his mouth. nervous little sous chef was startled and dropped his biscuit into the vat of caramel. now the baker got so frustrated by his assistant's clumsiness, he went mad and poured the rest of the already-made chocolate into the mixture. after venting out his anger, as all good cooks do, lick their fingers... YUM! says the baker. its milk chocolate coating is the protection layer for the key ingredients inside which make it so delectable and unique. gooey caramel is too sticky on its own. crunchy biscuits are too dry on its own. but only together can they excite the world's tastebuds. even though when there is heat, and inside the gold foil, it seems like a war has erupted, everything is still sweet. i know for a fact, whenever im missing you, i can find a golden ticket to you. being a lone ingredient is can never make a recipe. i sincerely thank the one who mashed these two worlds together and created the greatest adventure of my life. there is always a thought of how certain things are created. and truthfully, i think 99% of things are created simply by accidents. and to make it good, coincidence. as most stories go, "i dont know how it happened, but one thing led to another and it just happened." everything occured so quickly, that not even you and i can fully understand what happened. but no one questions it when something great happens. twix is so good, it's never enough to have just one. let the adventure go on and on, and never end. iam willing to share my adventure with you.
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another year has gone by, and this has been a really good year, i really have nothing to complain about. in the beginning of the year, made some important decisions, i had to be cold, and ruthless, but i knew it must be done to allow the rest of my year breathable. i gasped for air, when i stopped drowning. floating and roaming around the sea of open spaces for a while. i was able to concentrate on what i want, and get back on the saddle and continue this trail. i met a wonderful new family, at school, at work, everywhere. (jim, jen, tiff, ken, mary, zu, sameera, farrah, haris, nat, sonia, nazia, broti, rabz, megha, shangami, darryl, korri) all the concerts ive been to this year... most amazing experiences and memories with korri birch. june. edgefest - the most dirtiest and painful day of my life. love it. aug. britney - every little girl's dream come true in 1999. sept. the killers - the most theatrical moments in my eyes. oct. METRIC - one of my fav bands! finally, ive waited for so long. and holla to the twitter buds ive made this year. (holly olly, leah, berns, my koi space alien) and the most important one of all...yui_ninja heh. ♥ this summer was a total flip of a coin, in june of 2009, it totally changed my world forever. my motivation now runs over and around you. together, we'll finish this adventure. paradise falls. i wanna thank the gang for always being the best buds & able to listen to my crap, and watch me crack the best jokes. ktp, po, ho, reb, mel, pamela, cat, & gab. cheers to you all! and guys, we ended this year with the biggest bang ever. you guys are the bombest. never forget. without all of you, 2009 would be 2007 all over again. greatest appreciation and love for yous. 2010.. i will conquer you too.
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i still remember that day when you flushed all my weed and cigarettes down the drain. that was a struggling fight that i had to fight for. but it was bad for me. that's why you did it. as great as this analogy goes, i want it back. i want everything that was bad for me back. my system urges for it. if the world constantly puts me back into that place, maybe im the one that is wrong and i shouldnt be so naive that i can change the world with my own morals, beliefs and opinions. it could possibly be life's way of steering me back to the way i was before. i thought i was a better person. but guess not. bring it on. i did it once, i can do it again.
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it's been a while since. no matter how tough it has been, how much stress ive put on to myself. i've been putting it off. and not letting it bother me. "looking on the bright side" but tonight, im sick of it. im tired of this. i dont wanna be that person anymore. no, not again. i want to do everything for you. but what for? sometimes i forget what the reason is. i totally regret going back there. did i know this was coming? no not really. the timing was just too good. perfect place, perfect time, the perfect person. let the net catch all the fish in the ocean and leave nothing for others. i need to get this out to you. before im too late. or you fall too far. but seems to me, patience is in our way. as i remember the days were i was being dubbed with nicknames like "impatient master" as a child, i now step down from that title for you. this is my world now, playing the waiting game. how much longer? i'll just sit back and enjoy the show. cause.
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just a thought in the shower. that i think everyone in the world is in denial about something. unable to face the truth. the real truth. they create this barrier around themselves to block and repel what they don't wanna know and face. slowly they became barricaded in this shadow, and get comfortable. and as they familarize with these false truths, they start to self destruct. all the time, every time, they try to find excuses and lies to tell their little voices inside that the prior idea that they had before was right. they wont let anything else in. because everyone's mind is a little world of their own within the universe. and humans like to control. their mind, and ideas, and decisions is the only thing that an individual can grasp. that is the only thing, because to tell you the truth, whether you like it or not, the world doesnt revolve around you, you just live in it. everything changes around you. to some people, i might be disturbing your mindsets, but i am too allowed to speak my mind. that is my decision. everyone is in some sort of denial. and the opposite to that is not to accepting the truth, or fact or anything. because what is the truth? who knows what the truth really is? who determines that? so the answer is to have hope. hope will never label a sentence as right or wrong. hope will give you the freedom of thinking of that you want to, and provide an imaginary safety net that the statement may not prevail. there. done. i just had these thoughts randomly sitting here.
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this is my world. i can do whatever i want in it. let whoever i want into it. but that's not all there is. i look below my feet and there is another world. another dimension that contains nothing i desire for. in my world, i can control everything that goes on there. every breeze and how long it lasts is in my hands. iam not trying to be this god of this place. but only to be free and in control of my own actions and movement. i want to be the god of myself. im currently living in your world. abandoning this place will leave you no reason for survival. because iam apart of what you control. if one day, you realize, that iam not within your empowerment anymore, this world of yours will disfunction, and break down. we're interconnected on dependency. however, your world will die and salvage. and that's when a whole new world begins.
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tonight, i watched a movie because i was down about the upcoming weeks to home. i decided to watch "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind". it is a story about a couple (joel and clementine) who had a wonderful long term relationship. clementine was not happy and decided to erase her memory of joel. now that joel is a stranger to her, joel decides to erase his memory too to relieve the pain. he undergoes a procedure which goes through each memory of clementine and deletes it, where it may be good or bad memories. during the process, his unconcious self realizes that he does not want to forget clementine at all. so he tries to put her into memories that she did not belong to before, like his childhood, therefore they cant erase the memory of her. the procedure continued to erase his memory. joel, being a very passive with a routined man, wakes up on valentines day and just felt like he shouldnt go to work. instead, he jumps on board to another train impulsively and heads to Montauk, where clementine told him to meet. ------------- when something true happens, no matter how much you try to manipulate it, change it, nothing will change. all the best memories are between 2 people. no one can take that away from you. no one can steal that identity from you. tell me where, and i'll meet you there.
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how do i let you know i miss you so? scream until oxygen fills my lungs once again. im cold and empty. how do i make up for lost time? hold on tight until we are the only ones around. im losing touch. how do i know you will be coming back? keep burning until there is nothing left. im falling apart. but until then, i will keep loving you the way i always have. you are right there in the centre of it all, and im giving you all of me.
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a lonesome cardinal was sitting on a tree, waiting for the right time to flee. just as it was about to spread its wings, a beautiful blue songbird landed and started to sing. entranced by her, cardinal decided to stay to right there. mid summer july, cardinal still listens right on by. now, the weather is changing, the little red bird had realized something. songbird has saved a soul with her tunes. saving many faces of the moon. never will i lose faith again. because you are my miracle. all you did was save my life. my life is indebted to you. this day marks the day, the day i first called you my love, mr. mercury sings "somebody to love". we are not fancy people, we do not need diamonds and limosines, because we already have the rarest gift of all. as the clouds above are my witness, i will always listen to the songbird sing. mahal kita.
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you are 3 galaxies away. but it do you hear the distant voices whispering? they are reminding you that you're getting close to home. to me. we're on this impossible mission, but our moose like skulls keeps us going forward. put on a helmet and follow us. because this is going to be tough. nothing great comes easily in life. yes, we maybe at opposite ends. and the meridian is unreachable, untouchable, possibly unthinkable. but no matter how distant you are, how far you may seem to the naked eye, you will always be right next to me. in my heart. that is what matters. let me revolve around you now. and make you my center, my core, my everything. can you hear the distant voices whispering? can you feel my heart beating?
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dedicated to you. ily.
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they want you to be something you're not. something you were never meant to be. something you were never cut out to become. they do not want good, they want greatness. they salvage on perfection. all because your success will become their claim. thieves steal your treasure. vultures on your back. blood suckers at most. imagine if i was you. the things i would tell to your face too. take it. and leave it. im just gonna be me.
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i guess i should learn the rest of the song. ahha but it came on randomly and i just couldnt stop singing it. it was like he entranced me to sing along with him! how crazy is that?! this time. it's featuring charlie. p.s to holly, haha i changed my mind last minute. Hold on little girl Show me what he's done to you Stand up little girl A broken heart can't be that bad When it's through, it's through Fate will twist the both of you So come on baby come on over Let me be the one to show you I'm the one who wants to be with you Deep inside I hope you feel it too Waited on a line of greens and blues Just to be the next to be with you
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throw a penny down the well, and i get a splash then ripples. clap my hands together and make a wish with all my might. all my thoughts are poured out into the well ever since that night. with you. you have become my wishing well, the peak of a mountain, the space of the ocean, the silence of the rain. as everything sinking into a bottomless pit, i know that you are on the other end. catching all my pennies, wishes, and thoughts. even if i get caught, it was all worth a shot. they all say it is impossible. but i will know that you exist on the other side. the taste, the touch. it might sound a little silly but, everyday i drop a penny into the well, and this lead me to you. no longer does it matter how far you are. nor the amount of time we get to spend together. because inside me, there is a well where i can fall into. something very true. [for mosquito]
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yeah really dont even try stopping me. cuz im never gonna budge. im like a rock. im like glue. i guess the song explains it much better than i do. [for hollyoli]
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forced to grow. but after you bloom, you will still remember which way the wind came from. with a little taste of reality, you grow towards the sunlight. compelling to reach up for the energy. below, millions are trying to catch up. unprepared, try and muster what you've got and run. dont let them get you. it's all in the name of the game. eye of the tiger soldier. stuck in the mud, and everything around you moves so much faster. brush off the dust and get with the cycle. life's not waiting for you.
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i felt like singing today. it's been a good day, so let's hope it stays that way. hey there. everybody. =) im so queer. muahaha
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i cant go one day. just one day! without wanting to punch you in the face. fuck guy, open your eyes and see who you're dealing with now. look around you and observe how the world works. times have changed, so if you evolve with it, no one can help you anymore. consider this an extreme warning like how ive always warned you. shut up! and leave me alone!
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when they are finally put six feet under, it projects something that was never put under covers. the mind screens experiences of the deadly soul. here comes the chill of the cold. poking their head out of the dirt, taking their glasses out of their shirt. watching their little heirs runnin', playing and gunnin'. these visuals are copied. they take in whatever you feed. for you to nurture, with nature. reliquish what is taboo, and speak out what is the truth. look up, and ask where the all the stars go? look down, and find the solution in an echo. ''oh father, i thirst for more." [how they will turn out to be, we will never know. but as their guardian, and sole protector, we have a responsibility to teach them the best we can and trust that they will make moral decisions. instead we confuse them with love and hate. we tell them to love is to possess. and to hate is to destroy. we have become confused ourselves because mistakes have been made to and fro. i recommend everyone to take a look back when they leave the world. and decide if they are satisfied with how they left the world to be.]
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when you have something you want to say, but you can't tell anyone or anything. let someone else do it for you. put on 20 pounds of clothes. put on your headphones. close the door. pretend you're the biggest star in the galaxy. and just explode in your own stardom. pulling off layers as you go. burst off the weight. and let the energy transform into the words you wanna scream. be it loud. be it whispers. much too many are not said. just take it off. bare to care, the skin you're showing. the cells on your face will tell each story. create this energy and burn the carpet. do it until it hurts and you're on your knees. beggin for mercy. but you just cant stop, until the songs over. you'll find it in between each drum beats and strum. pause for dramatic effect and... let it all go again. [2 drinks and a whole shit load of great music blasting in your ears will get to you this point, where i stand alone]
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drug addiction. submerged since i was fourteen. unable to tell. black and white. truth or lies. jenna fischer to amy adams. infant to seniority. life or death. obeying their orders. blood shot eyes keep bleeding as i take this step. clean. disorder. plain and new. still bleeding. i say, "excuse me, mind your own business." alternate type of addiction. a sickness so the rope burns my palms. and it feels so good just to hold onto something. once more. im blinded. let me continue to hold on. this sick addiction wont let me off that easily.
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a master in his genre. rejuvenate anything, creative music and dance. a legendary artist. with lights, eyes and no shadow. he let us into this world, too many of us got lost. on the way to Neverland. but billie jean brought us back. its the glove we love to own. its the beats we love to dance. its the jackets we love to wear. and the moves we love to learn. seven syllables to speak. thirteen lines to read out loud. now we know much we miss... Michael Joseph Jackson.
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